South Park: The Fractured But Whole The Novelization
by SMG4's SuperFan
Summary: Crime is running rampant in the city, cats are missing, and The Coon is ready to stop them. He'll need the help of the Coon and Friends, the New Kid, and more to take down Freedom Pals, and make billions of dollars in his franchise plan.
1. Chapter 1: Dovahkiin '66

**DISCLAIMER (Read by Kevin Stoley): The following is a fan-based parody, South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth, and South Park: The Fractured But Whole are owned by Matt Stone, Trey Parker, and South Park Studios. Please support the official release.**

"They take our attacks like it's nothing! They're wearing bicycle helmets!" Said Thelspar the Theif.

"T-T-They've t-t-taken the kingdom!" Said Jimmy the Bard.

"WHERE'S THE KING?!" Said Kyle, the High Jew Elf.

The moorish were attacking the Kingdom of Kupa Keep, the allied forces of the humans and the elves were trying to defend the Stick of Truth, which had been thrown into the depths of Stark's Pond the evening before. Meanwhile, the king they were talking about was taking a crap. Dovahkiin, known to his new friends in South Park as King Doucebag, was reflecting on the past few days.

"Jesus, these last few days have really been crazy." Said Dovahkiin, "I get into a LARP game, I sneak into a top secret government base disguised as a Taco Bell, I perform an abortion on a man, kill Nazi Zombies, go up a gay man's ass, and stop a snuke from destroying the town. Oh, and I fight a Nazi Zombie version of my friend, who is dressed up as a princess, and can't die."

Dovahkiin then went out and found his parents argueing. He knew they had been fighting, even though they tried to avoid fighting in front of him at all costs. They would always argue, and Dad would go smoke some pot, and Mom would drink wine. This was why he didn't stay home often. He went to the door, and found the High Jew Elf, Kyle, and his first friend in South Park, Paladin Butters standing outside.

"NEW KID! THE MOORISH ARE ATTACKING!" Said the High Jew Elf.

"You gotta come save us!" Said Paladin Butters.

After a fight with the Moorish, Dovahkiin came to Cartman's front door, only to find red LEGO bricks scattered all over the front steps.

"Halt! You cannot pass here! It is lava!" Said a Moorish guard.

"Well, now what?" Said Dovahkiin.

"Now you die! Release the dragon!" Said another Moorish Guard.

"Really? A god damn dragon?" Said Dovahkiin.

After the dragon battle, in which Dovahkiin summoned a giant hammer to kill the dragon, he hopped onto Paladin Butters' garage roof, and into Kupa Keep, there he saw the leader of the Moorish, Kevin Stoley, who he didn't expect to see playing this, as he was a Sci-Fi fan.

"Where's the stick?" Said Kevin.

"I told you, the Wizard King threw it into the ocean!" Said the Bard.

"Not so fast!" Said Dovahkiin, "We are here to stop you once and for all! Once the Wizard King come, and, hey... Where is Cartman?"

"Yeah, where is Fatass?" Said the High Jew Elf.

All of a sudden, someone leaped down, Dovahkiin could see it was Cartman, wearing some kind of raccoon outfit. Cartman was wearing his Coon costume, and holding a missing poster.

"There you are!" Said Kevin, "Where is the Stick of Truth?"

"Shut up Kevin." Said Cartman, "In my time, there is a crime wave, and cats are missing."

"Dude, we are done with superheroes." Said the High Jew Elf.

"Oh really Kyle," Said The Coon, "Do you want to get the $100 reward, or do you want those god damn sellouts Freedom Pals to get it?!"

"Fuck the Freedom Pals man." Said Kyle.

"Oh yeah, you guys can't play with us anymore, we're playing superheroes now." Said The Coon.

Dovahkiin couldn't believe it, he wasn't King Douchebag anymore, he was just an ordinary kid. Well, a kid with fart powers. He saw that Cartman had equipped his basement door with an electronic lock. He needed to find th code, so he found the code in a notebook Cartman kept hidden in his room. The code was 307. He put it in, and of course, the code had insulted his mother as well. He opened the door to see a number of costumed superheroes talking.

"What the hell?" Said Dovahkiin.

 ** _Well guys, welcome to my novelization of the new South Park game! I just finished playing thought it, and though I'd make a novelization of it. Give me what you think of this fanfic down in the review section. The disclaimer at the beginning is a reference to Dragon Ball Z Abridged. Remember to follow, share, like, and review. This is SMG4's SuperFan, signing out._**


	2. Chapter 2: Dovahkiin '89

**DISCLAIMER (Read by the robbers): The following is a fan based parody. South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth, and South Park: The Fractured But Whole all belong to Matt Stone, Trey Parker, and South Park Studios. Please support the official release.**

Dovahkiin couldn't belive what he saw. He saw a bunch of costumed vigilantes sitting around a table. He had recognized some of the costumes they were wearing, as hey saw them in the closets of a few of the guys during The Stick of Truth game he was playing. Gathered around the table were The Coon, The Human Kite, Fastpass, Mosquito, Super Craig, and Captain Diabetes. They were talking about the missing cat.

"That cat looks old, maybe it died in the gutter?" Said The Human Kite.

"No, Kyle, it's real, and we are getting the $100 reward!" Said The Coon.

"The fucking Freedom Pals will want that $100 reward to start their franchise, so if we find it, we can start our franchise, and beat those sellouts!" Said The Coon.

"OK, Super Craig, you go to Raisins, ("No comment there! Buzz!" Said Mosquito) Kite, you check around here, and the others, you can do your own thing. COON AND FRIENDS OUT!" Said The Coon.

The CAF then went out. Dovahkiin then decided to talk to Cartman, see if he could tell him anything, but he knew that the only way he could talk to Cartman old to be to break some of his stuff. So he went up to a Rubik's Cube and was going to touch it when Cartman came over and started to yell at him.

"WTF man, that's the Cube of Destruction, it can destroy the entire Milky Way Galaxy! Uhhh.. You want to play? Ugh... Fine. Take a seat." Said The Coon.

"Do you have Coonstagram? No? Really... I'll make you one. OK, since you're a new character, you can choose between 3 classes. Brutalist, Speedster, or Blaster."

"I'll take blaster, sounds cool, plus, I'm good with ranged attacks." Said Dovahkiin.

"OK, now we go over your backstory."

He described how when you were a kid, you fought off robbers using your new skills, but you couldn't stop your dad from fucking your mom.

"Wow, that's really depressing Butthole," Said Cartman, "Now go out there and get us some Coonstagram followers!"

Dovahkiin now knew what he needed to do, but first he would go to his house and get his 9mm Glock pistol that he stole from a government guard inside Mr. Slave's ass. He then got 4 followers for CAF, and then got a call from The Coon.

"Great job Butthole! Now you need to get some of the Coon and Friends, they haven't checked in lately, and you should find them. If you want to get to the upper part of town, you'll have to beat up the 6th graders. You're strong enough, so you'll be good." Said The Coon.

Dovahkiin then went to The Human Kite's last known location to find him, and he saw The Human Kite in front of Kyle's house.

"Oh hey there. Coon told me he was sending someone to help, but you? You're new, maybe you can help my problem." Said Kyle.

"Yah sure, what's your problem?" Said Dovahkiin.

"It's The Human Kite from an alternate universe. He's been scandalizing the good name of The Human Kite. And I need you to beat him up. He's in my room." Said The Human Kite.

"OK, let's go" Said Dovahkiin.

They went upstairs, and into Kite's room, and found a person wearing glasses wearing a Human Kite uniform.

" **OH HEY KYLE, WHO'S THIS?"** Said this new foe.

THE HUMAN KITE 2

"Begone evildoer! Stop spreading the evils that you do!" Said Kite.

" **I'M NOT EVIL, I'M JUST VISITING KYLE FOR A FEW WEEKS. HE'S PLAYING SUPERHEROES, AND I WANT TO BE THE HUMAN KITE, BUT THEN HE SAYS THAT HE'S THE HUMAN KITE. SO I TELL AUNT SHIELA THAT I WANT TO BE THE HUMAN KITE, AND HERE I AM."** Said Kite 2

"Take him down Butthole!" Said Kite.

The battle went on, and it was hilarious. Kite 2 used a Jewish scroll as a shield, he took time outs, and he healed from damage. He then went to do his final attack, but he fell, and had a bloodied nose.

"Great job Butthole, I want you to know that if you ever need help, you can call on The Human Kite!" Said Kite.

Dovahkiin then decided that he would go to Super Craig's fortress of solitude, and find him. First he would relax for a bit, and browse the internet on his phone.

 ** _Well guys, Chapter 2 is done. I chose Dovahkiin's first class to be Blaster, as I was a Blaster in my playthrough. Dovahkiin will also wield a Glock pistol as a ranged weapon as well as the firecrackers. I went through the Kyle 2 boss fight, as it was really good. If you like the story, remember to share in the review section. Remember to like, share, follow, and comment. This is SMG4's SuperFan, signing out!_**


	3. Chapter 3: Dovahkiin Begins

_**Disclaimer (Read by 6th grader): The following is a non-profit fan based parody. South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth, and South Park: The Fractured But Whole are owned by Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Comedy Central, and South Park Studios. Please support the official release.**_

After what seemed like 9 full months, Dovahkiin got up from Human Kite's front porch, and went over to Super Craig's house. He passed the sixth graders, but he knew that he needed to get stronger in order to get past them. He made it to Super Craig's house, and knocked on the door. The door opened, and Super Craig stepped out.

"Hello citizen, it is I, **SUPER CRAIG**! I can't come out to play now. My pet guinea pig, Stripe IV, has escaped into the basement. I'm not coming out until I find him." Super Craig said.

"Well, then I'll help you find your pet, Super Craig." Dovahkiin said.

"Thanks. Stripe was a gift from my ex-boyfriend. That's right, **SUPER CRAIG** is gay. That ex-boyfriend is also a goddamn fucking traitor!" Super Craig said as he and Dovahkiin went into the basement. As they reached the basement, they saw Stripe running to the left side of the basement, and climbing up some shelves. There was no way Dovahkiin could reach Stripe. However, he saw a box of firecrackers.

"Firecrackers, these might come in handy!" Dovahkiin said as he grabbed a few handfuls of firecrackers, lit one, and threw it at the shelves. Stripe came out of the shelves, and ran to the right side of the basement, hiding in a laundry bin.

"Quick, throw something to scare him, or he'll stay in there for hours!" Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then threw a firecracker at a box of tools, and it hit the ground. Stripe then ran to the vent.

"Quick, use your ass to get him out, and I'll catch him!" Super Craig said as Dovahkiin used a Dragonshout fart to get Stripe out, and Super Craig caught him.

"Thanks man, if you ever need help, just know that you can call on **SUPER CRAIG**!" Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then went upstairs to leave, as Super Craig's father noticed him.

"Hey kid, do you want to make some money?" Super Craig's father said.

"Yeah, sure," Dovahkiin said, "What do I have to do?"

"Well you see, I'm an art collector, and recently, I've been collecting Japanese artwork known as Yaoi of my son Craig and his boyfriend Tweek.". Super Craig's father said.

"Go on." Dovahkiin said.

"Anyways, I need you to go and find more of this artwork scattered through out town. I'll put my contact info in your phone so you can take pictures of this Yaoi, and send it to me." Super Craig's father said.

"OK." Dovahkiin said as he exited the house. As he was heading home, he noticed that his phone had an incoming phone call from The Coon.

"Sigh, what do you want Cartman?" Dovahkiin said.

"We have a problem, your character isn't fleshed out enough yet. You need to go to some places to learn some more about yourself. Go to Raisins to get Mosquito to decide your weakness, South Park Elementary to decide your gender, and the church to find your fears. Coon out!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin then decided to continue on to the bus stop, where the sixth graders were. He was strong enough to beat them up now. As he walked by a red house, he noticed red LEGO bricks near the garage. It was lava. His phone then had another incoming call.

"MWAH HA HA HA HA!" The voice on the other side said.

"Wait a minute, Butters? Is that you?" Dovahkiin said.

"FOOL! It is PROFESSOR CHAOS! I've instructed my minions to place lava at various places to prevent you from getting places! Besides, what life without a little CHAOS?! HA HA HA HA! Ok, turn it off now." Professor Chaos said. Dovahkiin then continued on to the DLC bus stop. As before the sixth graders were there.

"What do you want fourthie?" The leader of the sixth graders said. Dovahkiin then punched him, and all the sixth graders got around him.

"You just made a mistake asswipe! You're on your own! You're fucked!" A sixth grader said.

"Not for long." Dovahkiin muttered as he quickly texted on his phone. In a matter of seconds, backup arrived.

"It's the HUMAN KITE!" The Human Kite said, as he came down from the air.

"And I, **SUPER CRAIG**!" Super Craig said, as he came from the left.

"Let's kick some sixth grader ass!" Dovahkiin said as he readied three fire blasts from his palms.

"Agreed!" Human Kite said as he charged his kite laser.

"Let's fucking do this." Super Craig said as he just stood there. Dovahkiin then fired one fire blast at a sixth grader in front of him, and two to six graders on the left and right of him. Human Kite fired a laser right at a sixth grader in front of him. Super Craig punched a sixth grader so hard, that he was knocked back into Human Kite, who punched him back. The sixth graders then started to throw snot at the three heroes, perform wet willies on them, and attempt to throw piss balloons at them. However, over time the three Coon Friends prevailed, and beat the fucking shit out of the sixth graders.

"Let's get the fuck outta here!" A sixth grader said as they ran away.

"We'll get your ass next time!" Another sixth grader said.

"Great job guys! We make a great team!" Human Kite said as he and Super Craig left. Dovahkiin then noticed yet another call from The Coon.

"DUDE! That was fucking awesome! Wait till I put on Coonstagram that you beat up the sixth graders! Oh yeah, and now the sixth graders are fucking pissed at you and want to kick your ass." The Coon said before hanging up.

"Well fuck." Dovahkiin said as he headed to the church. He noticed a picture of Tweek and Craig on a bulletin board, and took a picture of it before sending it to Super Craig's father. He eventually made it to the church, and went inside. There, he saw Father Maxi, the local priest.

"Ah, you must be the person young Eric told me about. He said you need to learn your fears. Go into the door on your left. There you will face your fears. Good luck." Father Maxi said before entering a code into the number pad. Dovahkiin noticed it was like the door to the Coon Lair. He noticed that the zero said Zod on it. He then entered the room, it was pitch black. Dovahkiin then noticed an alien moving through, and voices started floating through his head

 _You can't make real friends._

 _You're weak, you'll never believe in yourself._

 _You depend on your friends to bail you out._

 _You're wanted by the government._

 _You're an outsider..._

"Oh hey there, don't mind me. I'm just in your imagination." A voice said.

"Me too. Hey, you even wanted an imaginary shoulder rub?" Another voice said.

"Let me turn on the lights so we can see better." The first voice said before flipping a light switch, revealing them to be priest planning on raping Dovahkiin. Dovahkiin then fired a blast of fire at a priest.

"Oh you like to play rough huh? Well, that's sexy." The second priest said.

"Fuck off man!" Dovahkiin said before firing three singular fireballs at the second priest.

"Oh, well come over here, I'm about to fill you with God's love!" The first priest said before pulling an anal bead cross out of his ass and whipping himself with it. Dovahkiin then realized it might be a good time to move. The first priest then ran wildly, whipping his cross all over, and hitting the second priest by mistake. Dovahkiin then felt like he had a lot of power charged up within him. He then unleashed his ultimate attack, the Backfire Blast. He let loose a massive blast of fire from his ass and knocked the priests out. Just then, Father Maxi showed up.

"Oh my god! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TWO NOT TO MOLEST CHILDREN IN THE BACK ROOM! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!" Father Maxi said.

"That's not what the Spider Queen says!" The first priest said as he ran away.

"Gosh, I'm so sorry. Here take this macaroni picture a Jewish friend gave me and this weird picture." Father Maxi said before giving Dovahkiin a macaroni picture to summon Moses, and Creek Yaoi. Dovahkiin then sent a photo of the Yaoi to Super Craig's father. He then headed off to South Park Elementary. He made it to the school, and headed to Mr. Mackey's office.

"Ah, New Kid, come, sit down, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey said. Dovahkiin then sat down.

"Now, you're here because we need to know what gender you sexually identify as, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey said.

"Now, do you identify as the gender you were assigned to at birth?" Mr. Mackey said.

"Yes." Dovahkiin said.

"Okay, then you are cisgender. Now do you sexually identify as a boy, girl, or neither?" Mr. Mackey said.

"I sexually identify as a boy." Dovahkiin said.

"Wait, really? Just a minute I need to call your parents." Mr. Mackey said before picking up the phone and calling Dovahkiin's parnets.

"Yeah, hello? It's Mr. Mackey, m'kay? I wanted to tell you that your son sexually identifies as a cisgender boy. M'kay, yes, I know. Yes, I understand that this won't retcon anything from Stick of Truth. Okay, goodbye." Mr. Mackey said on the phone.

"Now, you go on out and enjoy this great day. But remember, there are people out there who don't respect your decisions, and will try to hurt you, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey said. Dovahkiin then left, and noticed that the school had covered off most of the halls because of the fight that happened two days ago. As he made it outside, he noticed a broken down truck come by, it was rednecks.

"Well, well, well! Look what we've got here! A cisgender boy! We don't take kindly to your types here! Let's welcome this thing to our town!" The rednecks said. Dovahkiin then called for help from Human Kite and Super Craig. They arrived quickly. Dovahkiin fired a plasma blast, and hit one of the rednecks, setting him on fire. Human Kite fired a laser at another redneck. Super Craig flipped off another redneck, and gained blockage. The rednecks then tried to throw beer bottles at the three, and kick them. Eventualy Human Kite managed to use his ultimate power, and fired three lasers down on the rednecks, causing them to flee. Dovahkiin then noticed a flagpole and pulled it up. Just then, a person came speeding out of nowhere. It was the speedster superhero Fastpass.

"T-t-thanks for s-s-setting up m-m-my fast travel system New Kid! W-w-whenever you need help, just call on Fastpass!" Fastpass said. Dovahkiin then decided to head over to Raisins to get Mosquito.

 ** _TO BE CONTINUED..._**

 ** _And, we're back after 9 months! A few quick things, neither artifacts or DNA will be included, as they fit more as a gameplay thing then a story thing. Oh, and here's what my Dovahkiin went through in Stick of Truth. He sided with the Drow Elves on day 2, has forgiven Clyde, and while he does kind of hate Cartman for acting like a dick to him, he still considers him a friend. Remember to like, follow, share, and review. This is SMG4's SuperFan signing out!_**


	4. Chapter 4: Captain Diabetes: Civil War

**_Disclaimer (Read by Tupperware): The following is a non-profit fan based parody. South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth, and South Park: The Fractured But Whole are all owned by Comedy Central, South Park Studios, Viacom, Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Please support the official release._**

As Dovahkiin made it to downtown South Park, he noticed a text from The Coon.

"Butthole, the only way you can get to Raisins is through an alleyway. Be prepared though, Mosquito's weakness is Raisins Girls. You might have to save him. Coon out." The text said. Dovahkiin then made it through the alleyway, and to Raisins. He entered, and saw Mosquito being surrounded by Raisins girls. He had to save him.

"Hi welcome to Raisins, I'll get you a table!" One of the girls said. Dovahkiin then went to a table, and decided to get a glass of water. He then went up to Mosquito.

"Hey, what do you want? Buzz!" Mosquito said.

"Mosquito, we're getting the fuck out of here. Come with me if you want to live." Dovahkiin said. He grabbed Mosquito by the wrist, and started to drag him to the door, when suddenly, the Raisins girls blocked their way.

"Hey, you haven't paid yet! Prepare for an ass-beating!" Porsche, a Raisins girl said. She then swung her sharp nails at Dovahkiin, who dodged quickly, and fired three fire blasts at her for attacking him. Mosquito then flew at Dovahkiin, and sucked some blood out of him.

"What the fuck, man?!" Dovahkiin said.

"Sorry! They want me! Stay away from my girls!" Mosquito said. Lexus then tried to attract Dovahkiin, but it didn't work.

"Sorry ladies, you're not my type. So fuck off!" Dovahkiin said as he readied a plasma wave with one hand, while contacting Super Craig and Fastpass with the other. Just as he fired a plasma wave at Mosquito, turning him back to normal, Super Craig and Fastpass arrived. Super Craig rammed into Lexus, and Fastpass ran at the speed of sound towards Porsche, incapacitating her. Fastpass then turned invisible.

"Was that a sonic boom, or their jaw cracking?" Super Craig said. Mosquito then flex around Lexus a few times, sucking her blood. After awhile, some more Raisins girls started to show up. Luckily for our four heroes, they managed to kick all of their asses like fucking badasses. Once outside, Mosquito turned to Dovahkiin.

"Thanks man, those Raisins girls are my weakness." Mosquito said.

"No problem. Coon sent me here so I could decide my weakness." Dovahkiin said.

"Okay, then here are the choices, what do you want your weakness to be?" Mosquito said.

"I'll choose vampire kids. Those assholes ruined vampires after Twilight happened." Dovahkiin said. He then left to go somewhere else when he got a call from The Coon.

"Butthole, I need you to do an important mission! Go to the new taco shop, and get me a burrito! Coon out!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin then went right to the new taco shop, _Freeman's Tacos_. He opened the door to see quite a shock.

"Welcome to Freeman's Tacos. What can I get you." Morgan Freeman said.

"Morgan Freeman?! What are you doing here? Aren't you a successful actor?" Dovahkiin said.

"Well I am, but I also run a taco shop in my spare time, now what do you want?" Morgan Freeman said.

"Uh, one burrito." Dovahkiin said.

"Okay. You do know that Freeman's Tacos is a craft-your-own food restaurant." Morgan Freeman said.

"Okay." Dovahkiin said.

"You give it a try. Try combining a burrito and enchilada." Morgan Freeman said. Dovahkiin then created a new food.

"Congratulations kid, you just created an enchirrito. No one has ever done that." Morgan Freeman said. A person then started to applaud Dovahkiin. Dovahkiin then took the enchirrito and left.

"Wait a minute kid. I have something to tell you. Some farts are powerful. So powerful, they can allow people to rewind time, stop time temporary, and even travel through time and space. Be careful, and don't get on my bad side." Morgan Freeman said. Dovahkiin then opened the door and decided to go home when he got a call from The Coon.

"Butthole, great job! Now that you're more fleshed out, come to the Coon Lair so we can talk! Coon out!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin then went towards The Coon's house, entered the password, and went into the Coon Lair.

"Ah, New Kid, come and sit down." The Coon said. Dovahkiin then sat down.

"So, you've managed to get your character sheet filled out. All you need now is a name for your alter-ego. I think that The Amazing Butthole is a good name for you." The Coon said.

"No Cartman, I'm choosing my name this time. It took awhile to get used to Douchebag, so I'm doing it this time." Dovahkiin said.

"Well fine then, but I'm still going to call you Butthole, douchebag." The Coon said.

"My name means Dragonborn, so I'm going to be called Dragonborn." Dovahkiin said.

'Anyways, now that you have finished your character sheet, I am giving you the ability to dual-class. You can choose from five classes this time. Brutalist, Speedster, Elementalist, Cyborg, or Psychic." The Coon said.

"Psychic sounds cool. I'll go with that." Dovahkiin said.

"Very well, now we have to update your backstory. Years ago, you woke up in the middle of the night, and looked in the mirror. You wondered if anyone would ever love you, when suddenly, you heard your mom crying out for help! You went into the hallway to find three burglars attacking a baby! You knew you had to help, so for the first time ever, you called on your psychic powers! You fired psychic blasts at the burglars, then confused one of them, and put up a shield! They tried hitting you, but the attacks were absorbed by the shield. You then used your ultimate power to summon the power of the chakras to heal your body. Just then after a final psychic blast, you defeated your enemies, and saved the baby! But you were too late, you opened your parents bedroom to see that your dad had fucked your mom." The Coon said.

"That's pretty sad Butthole. I feel for you." The Coon said. Just then, The Coon's phone rang, it was Human Kite.

"What do you want Kite?" The Coon said.

"We need help! Me and Super Craig were walking around downtown when we ran into the Freedom Pals! Super Craig then started to argue with Wonder Tweek! They're still going at it! See!" Human Kite said as he activated speakerphone.

"FUCK YOU TWEEK! I HATE YOU!" Super Craig said.

"I HATE YOU EVEN MORE! GAAHHH!" Wonder Tweek said.

"As you can see, we really need backup!" Human Kite said before hanging up.

"Well, shit! Come on Butthole, we gotta go!" The Coon said before going for the door. Dovahkiin followed him to Main Street, and saw that Super Craig and Wonder Tweek were still arguing. All the other superheroes were just watching them.

"Super Craig had to be introduced before Wonder Tweek, it made sense!" Super Craig said.

"That's stupid! GAAAHHH!" Wonder Tweek said.

"Oh hey, it's about time you got here New Kid. Tweek and Craig are really going at it." Human Kite said.

"Get out of my mind Timmy!" The Coon said.

"Dude, what the hell was that?" Dovahkiin said.

"Timmy just called me an asshole with his mind! Take this!" The Coon said before lunging at Professor Timmy. Professor Timmy then teleported away, and The Coon followed him.

"Well, looks like Cartman managed to get the New Kid on his side." Tupperware said.

"It doesn't matter! You're on the wrong side New Kid!" Mysterion said.

"Whatever. Let's just fight!" Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then prepared to fire multiple psychic blasts. Super Craig started to lunge at Wonder Tweek. Human Kite was about to fire a laser at Tupperware. Fastpass then showed up with Mosquito in tow.

"Buzz! We heard about what happened, and came to help! Let's kick some ass!" Mosquito said before performing a Zika Rush on Mysterion. Fastpass then attacked Tupperware at Mach speed. Dovahkiin then fired a psychic blast at both Mysterion and Wonder Tweek. Mysterion then performed a full-out beatdown on Dovahkiin, leaving him with enough energy for an ultimate. Dovahkiin then summoned the powers of the chakra to heal all the Coon Friends. Tupperware tried to use his Tupper Tornado attack, but everyone dodged at the last second. Wonder Tweek was then still in a scuffle with Super Craig. Just then, the Human Kite also had enough energy for his ultimate, and fired three lasers from up in the sky, defeating the three Freedom Pals.

"RUN AWAY!" Tupperware said.

"You're making a mistake New Kid!" Mysterion said as he ran with the rest of Freedom Pals.

"We did it!" Super Craig said.

"Yeah, but where's Cartman?" Human Kite said as everyone ran to where The Coon went. They found The Coon lying on the ground.

"Coon! Are you okay?" Human Kite said.

"He-he raped my mind! Professor Timmy raped my mind guys!" The Coon said.

"Wait, really?" Dovahkiin said.

"But luckily, I grabbed Timmy's iPhone." The Coon said as he pulled out an iPhone.

"Good job Cartman, let's go investigate it back at base!" Human Kite said. Everyone then went back to the Coon Lair. Super Craig then started to look through the phone.

"Well Super Craig, what do we know?" The Coon said.

"Well, there are some messages here about a girl with a dick tattoo who knows about all Criminal activity in South Park." Super Craig said.

"That's it guys! We need to find the girl with the dick tattoo tonight!" The Coon said, "Then we can get Scrambles and become more famous then those fucking sellouts Freedom Pals!" The Coon said.

"It seems like she works at the Peppermint Hippo. Who's going to go there?" Super Craig said.

"Butthole will go there as Captain Diabetes' sidekick!" The Coon said.

"Sigh, Cartman, I told you my superhero name is Dragonborn." Dovahkiin said.

"Really? Well that's a cool name New Kid, but why does he get to go and not us?! That doesn't seem very fucking fair." Human Kite said.

"Sorry Kite, it's because when he was only six, his dad fucked his mom." The Coon said. The room then fell into silence for a minute.

"GODDAMN IT CARTMAN!" The Coon said.

"What? What's so wrong about his tragic backstory?" The Coon said.

"Cartman, everyone's dad fucks their mom! I'm here because my dad fucked my mom!" Human Kite said.

"Oh, now you're copying his backstory?! Shame on you Kyle!" The Coon said.

"Fuck you man. Come on let's go to bed. We've got a long night ahead of us." Human Kite said before leaving with everyone else.

"Sigh, I'm sorry Butthole, you're going to have to deal with that kind of bigotry in the world. Now change out of your costume and go home. At approximately 1 AM, go outside and meet with Captain Diabetes." The Coon said. Dovahkiin then spun around like Wonder Woman, and changed back into his regular clothes. He then went upstairs, and back to his house. As he opened the door, he saw his parents arguing.

"WHY DID YOU TALK TO THE SCHOOL COUNCILLOR?! WHY DID YOU EVEN PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE?!" Dovahkiin's dad said.

"WELL WE SHOULD BE HAPPY THAT HE WENT TO TALK TO THE SCHOOL COUNCILLOR YOU POTHEAD!" Dovahkiin's mom said.

"WE CAN'T LET EVERYONE KNOW OUR SON IS CISGENDER! IT WOULD RUIN EVERYTHINK YOU FUCKING DRUNK!" Dovahkiin's dad said.

"WELL YOU'RE A-oh hey sweetie! Mommy and daddy are tired and are going to go to bed now. Dinner's on the table." Dovahkiin's mom said. Dovahkiin then went over to the dinner table, and ate his dinner. He sighed, knowing his family might split up. After finishing dinner, he went upstairs, and got in bed. Just then his mom, who was drunk, opened the door.

"Honey, I just want you to know, no matter what happens, mommy loves you. Good night sweetheart." Dovahkiin's mother said. As the night went on, Dovahkiin decided to use the crafting abilities that he learned from Morgan Freeman to craft a super hero outfit. He took the blaster outfit, gave it cardboard wings, drew scales on it, replaced the flaming t-shirt with a white shirt that said Dragonborn on it, and attacked a katana hilt for his Sweet Katana he got from Jimbo's Guns. This all took an hour. Dovahkiin then set his alarm for 1 AM, and went to sleep.

 ** _TO BE CONTINUED..._**

 ** _Remember to like, follow, share, and review. This is SMG4's SuperFan signing out!_**


	5. Chapter 5: The Dark Dovahkiin

_**Disclaimer (Read by a drunk Randy): T-t-the following is a-a-a non-profit fan based parody... Dragon Ba, I mean South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth and South Park: The Fractured But Whole are all owned by Matt Stone, Trey Parker, South Park Studios, Comedy Central, and Viacom... Please, just please, support the official release. Okay was that good? NOW GIVE ME MY FUCKIN' KEYS BACK YOU LITTLE SHIT!**_

As the night falls across South Park, the town turns into a cesspool of villainy and scum. There are few who protect it, and one of those is a young boy named Dovahkiin, who is just starting his superhero career as Dragonborn, a superhero with many powers. His alarm woke him up at 1 AM, and he spun around to change into his superhero costume. He went over to his closet, and took out his Sweet Katana, and put it in the hilt on the back of his costume. He then went downstairs, where he found his dad sleeping on the couch. The door was locked by many different locks. He threw a few firecrackers at some of the locks to open them. The then saw a padlock, and saw the key on the bookshelf near the basement door. He threw a firecracker at the books, so that the key could fall down. He picked it up, and unlocked the last lock. After exiting his house, Dovahkiin heard rustling in the bushes on his front lawn. It turned out to be Captain Diabetes.

"Hello sidekick! The Coon told me you would be coming with me on my mission to find the girl with the dick tattoo! Come! To Human Kite's house!" Captain Diabetes said as the two of them walked to the Kite Base. As they walked past the Marsh house, they noticed Randy drunk, and keying his own car.

"Let's see how you like that you fuckin' bitch! Yeah!" Randy said.

"Mr. Marsh, are you okay?" Captain Diabetes said.

"Oh yeah, I'm fine. I'm gonna go get more beer now." Randy said as he went to the driver's seat, but Captain Diabetes then took his keys.

"Hey! Give me my keys back!" Randy said.

"No! Nobody drinks and drives on Captain Diabetes' watch!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Look, look, I'm fine. I'm fine okay? Now give me my keys, please?" Randy said.

"You can get them back in the morning at 11 AM!" Captain Diabetes said.

"GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING KEYS YOU ASSHOLES!" Randy said, using the beer bottle he was holding as a weapon. Dovahkiin used his psychic powers to form a shield around his body. Captain Diabetes used an Insulin Shock to knock Randy back into his car. Randy then swung his beer bottle rapidly at Captain Diabetes. Dovahkiin then fired a plasma wave at Randy.

"Alright kids, if you give me back my keys, I'll go and buy you candy." Randy said.

"I'm sorry Mr. Marsh, but the answer is still no!" Captain Diabetes said before dodging a beer bottle thrown by Randy. Dovahkiin then fired a psychic blast at Randy. Captain Diabetes then had enough power to use his ultimate attack. He started to eat sugary products, and gained super-strength. He slammed into Randy, and incapacitated him.

"Holy shit man! Where did that come from?!" Dovahkiin said.

"My diabetes. I use sugar to hulk out. I'm like Bruce Banner, a loner forever drifting into the sunset. Anyways, we're here!" Captain Diabetes said. They entered the Human Kite's house, and went upstairs.

"The Kite Base is up in the attic, pull down that ladder sidekick!" Captain Diabetes said as Dovahkiin threw a firecracker at the ladder. They then entered the Kite Base. Dovahkiin then saw a Creek Yaoi, and took a photo of it. He then climbed up to get to where the Human Kite had set up a zip line for getting downtown. The two of them then used the zip line to get downtown.

"The two heroes flew into the night, ready to strike down whatever evil comes their way." Captain Diabetes said as they slid down.

"Man, are you narrating?" Dovahkiin said. They then reached the end of the zip line, and headed to the Peppermint Hippo.

"There's a lot of adults out here. Looks like they're really drunk." Dovahkiin said as they walked past the post office.

"There's a popular local band playing tonight near City Hall. Look sidekick! A porta-potty is blocking our way!" Captain Diabetes said as they passed the concert and City Hall.

"Well what do we do?" Dovahkiin said.

"I'll use my Diabetic Rage! Stand back sidekick!" Captain Diabetes said as he began to drink a apple juice box. He then started to hulk out, and lifted the porta-potty over. He then started to go into diabetic shock, but injected himself with insulin.

"You see how easy it is to control my diabetes sidekick?" Captain Diabetes said.

"Yeah, that's cool." Dovahkiin said.

"However, there is one thing that throws me into uncontrollable rage. Farts. The Coon says it's because my mother farted on me when I was being born, giving me diabetes, even though that's not how diabetes work." Captain Diabetes said.

"Well, we're here. The Peppermint Hippo." Dovahkiin said.

"Great sidekick! Now let's get in through the front door!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Wait, I don't think that'll be a good idea. We're minors, remember?" Dovahkiin said.

"Right! We need to find another way in sidekick!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Wait, I have an idea." Dovahkiin said before throwing a firecracker at a dumpster, closing it.

"Cap, I need you to use your Diabetic Rage on that payphone." Dovahkiin said.

"No problem sidekick! Here we go!" Captain Diabetes said as he drank another apple juice box, and use the strength to lift the payphone, creating a path into the Peppermint Hippo. Captain Diabetes then injected himself with insulin again. The two of them then entered the Peppermint Hippo, and exited the bathroom. There, they saw many people there, and many strippers.

"Okay, sidekick, go and question the strippers to see if they know where the girl with the dick tattoo is!" Captain Diabetes said. Dovahkiin then did some questioning around, but no one gave any good answers. Just telling him that he's too young to be in a strip club. He then went back to Captain Diabetes.

"No one I asked knew nothing about a girl with a dick tattoo!" Dovahkiin said.

"Well that's alright. I found some guys willing to talk. They think we're strippers, so play along." Captain Diabetes said just as two drunk Johns showed up, drunk as hell.

"Hey girls, you ready to PARTY?!" One of the Johns said.

"Your friend looks pretty fuckin' hot!" The other John said.

"Wouldn't you like to take her to VIP?" Captain Diabetes said.

"I don't know, that other one looks kinda short." The first John said.

"Shut up man, I fuckin' love small girls!" The second John said.

"Alright then, I'll take the one with the speech impediment." The first John said.

"Let's go get some fucking dances!" The second John said.

"Well, actually, I was thinking we could just talk." Captain Diabetes said.

"First dance, then we'll talk." The second John said. They then went into the VIP lounge. Captain Diabetes started to grind on the first John's dick. Dovahkiin just sat next to the first John.

"So, have you ever gotten a dance from a girl with a dick tattoo here?" Captain Diabetes said.

"Hey, we didn't come here to talk baby!" The first John said.

"Yeah, I want some grinding on my chub!" The second John said. Dovahkiin then started to perform a lap dance, and also started to fart all over the second John. After a quick lap dance, and twerking on his face, the Johns were ready to talk.

"Okay! Okay! We'll talk!" The second John said.

"Aw man! I hate talking time!" The first John said.

"Okay, who do you work for, and who is the girl with the dick tattoo?!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Girl with the dick tattoo?" The first John said.

"You mean Classi?" The second John said.

"Classi?" Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah, that's Classi with an I, with a little dick that hangs on the C fucking the L out of the ASS!" The second John said.

"That explains the dick tattoo! Come on sidekick!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Wait, where do you think you're going?!" The first John said.

"Yeah, that was the worse VIP service ever! All I did was get farted on! You're not going anywhere!" The second John said.

"Ha ha! I am no ordinary stripper! I am CAPTAIN DIABETES!" Captain Diabetes said.

"What?" The first John said.

"Me and my sidekick used our powers of disguise to get information from you!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Well, you won't get away with this Captain Diabetes!" The second John said before throwing a punch at Dovahkiin, who put up a shield at the last second.

"Shit man, my boner's weighing me down!" The first John said, as he tried to reach Captain Diabetes, who knocked him out with a Coma Combo. Dovahkiin then managed to knock out the other John with a few quick psychic blasts.

"Huh, knocking those guys out was easy, right sidekick?" Captain Diabetes said.

"Yeah, well they were really drunk and looked weak, of course they were going to go down in a few seconds." Dovahkiin said as they entered the main room.

"Alright and here comes the next lady! If anyone would like to buy a drink for the DJ, specifically some Gin and Tonic, go ahead!" The DJ said.

"That's it sidekick! The DJ calls out the strippers! So all we need to do is knock him out with a drink, and call out Classi!" Captain Diabetes said.

"I have an idea. We need gin and tonic, boogers and cum, and rat shit." Dovahkiin said as they went into the kitchen to find a jar of boogers and cum with the Yelp logo. It was too high to reach, and firecrackers wouldn't knock it down. But then Dovahkiin threw a firecracker at a propane tank, and farted near it. The tank exploded, and caused the boogers and cum to fall down. Then they went under the bar, and found a gin and tonic in the minibar. Finally, they went into the storeroom, and got some rat shit. Dovahkiin, using his crafting powers, managed to create a spiked gin and tonic.

"Just one more thing to add to the drink." Dovahkiin said before farting on the drink.

"Gaaahhh! I'm sorry you had to see that sidekick, farts bring out an unspeakable rage from within me. Now let's go take this to the DJ!" Captain Diabetes said as they went to where the DJ was, and Dovahkiin gave him the spiked drink.

"Alright! It looks like someone finally gave the DJ a drink! And it feels like my insides are on fire now! I gotta go to the restroom!" The DJ said.

"Alright, now's our chance! Alright guys, be sure to put your hands in the air, because it's about to get hot up in here! Give it up for Classi!" Captain Diabetes said, but no one came out.

"Uh, that's Classi with a I and with a dick hanging out of the C fucking the ASS!" Captain Diabetes said, just as a woman came on stage.

"What the hell you callin' me on for? I ain't supposed to be on for a few more hours!" Classi said.

"THAT MUST BE HER!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Oh shit! It's the 5-0! The cops are here!" Classi said before fleeing into the dressing room.

"AFTER HER SIDEKICK!" Captain Diabetes said as he and Dovahkiin ran into the dressing room. They were greeted by many strippers.

"They after me ladies! Stop them!" Classi said.

"Stand aside ladies, Captain Diabetes and his sidekick need to question that stripper!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Yeah, well you'll have to get through us first!" A stripper said before throwing a nail file at Dovahkiin.

"Shit! We gotta get to Classi!" Dovahkiin said as he readied a plasma wave. Captain Diabetes then started to ram through multiple strippers at once. Dovahkiin then fired the plasma wave at a stripper, barely missing Classi.

"Oh hell no! I ain't getting involved in this combat shit!" Classi said, as she ran for the back exit.

"Quickly sidekick! We need to get outta here before the stripper hoard overwhelms us!" Captain Diabetes said as he performed a Coma Combo on a stipple causing knockback. After getting closer to Classi and the exit, they realized something.

"Now you don' fucked up. GO GET THEM BOOTAY!" Classi said. Just then, crashing noises could be heard from behind Captain Diabetes and Dovahkiin. They turned to see someone bursting through the wall. It was Spontaneous Bootay.

"Baby, I'm gonna murder you with my ass!" Spontaneous Bootay said, as she jumped into the air, and caused tremors.

"Shit man! We gotta get outta here soon, or she'll murder us with her ass!" Dovahkiin said as he rushed past the strippers. After awhile, and many, many strippers, they finally made it to the exit. As they went outside, they saw Classi knocking on the door of the Bucca de Faggocini, and it was opened by an Italian mobster holding a handgun.

"Hey, let me in, the cops are here!" Classi said.

"Okay, get inside." The mobster said.

"Go away kids, I'm not afraid to use this." The mobster said as he fired a warning shot into the air. Dovahkiin began to pull out his Sweek Katana, but then the sign above the mobster fell on him because the bullet fired in the air broke it.

"Well, that's weird. Captain Diabetes, can you use your Diabetic Rage on the rubble?" Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah sure I'll try." Captain Diabetes said before drinking apple juice, and trying to lift the debris.

"I'm sorry sidekick, but even I can't lift this blockade. Just let me inject some insulin and... Oh no! I'm out of insulin! I'm going into diabetic shock! HELP ME! I NEED INSULIN! HELP! MOM! MOM! MOM!" Captain Diabetes said as he died. Dovahkiin was shocked by this event, and couldn't say a word. He then got a call from The Coon.

"Hey Butthole, just checking to see if everything is good. Is it? Okay, I'm just gonna hang up now. Coon out!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin couldn't believe what he saw. He just witnessed a friend die in front of him. He had no idea what to do, until a voice rang through his head.

 _"You know what makes my farts super bad? Handcrafted Tex-Mex..."_ The voice said.

"Morgan Freeman?!" Dovahkiin said.

 _"Not just any handcrafted Tex-Mex, it's got to be something special..."_. Morgan Freeman said.

 _"You know what to do New Kid..."_. Morgan Freeman said. Dovahkiin then felt an urge to pull out the Enchirito and eat it. After he finished eating it, he felt like unleashing a powerful fart, a fart so powerful, it rewinded time itself. The sign went back up, and both the mobster and Captain Diabetes came back to life.

"I'm alive? What happened? Who are you?!" The mobster said before running into the restaurant.

"What happened to me? I thought I died of diabetes! I could see a bright light and the hand of God coming to me, then someone farted in my face, and I was back! I can still smell it...". Captain Diabetes said.

"Wow! Your farts can rewind time! That's pretty powerful!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Yeah, it's way more powerful then a Nagasaki fart." Dovahkiin said. Captain Diabetes then called The Coon Friends in a group chat.

"Coon and Friends! We've found the stripper! She's fled into the Italian restaurant! We need backup!" Captain Diabetes said.

"You heard him! All Coon and Friends to the Bucca de Faggocini!" The Coon said. Captain Diabetes said as he and Dovahkiin entered the Bucca de Faggocini. While walking, Dovahkiin overheard conversations about drunks, pot, and some new drug called cheese. Eventually, the two made it to a table where The Coon, Super Craig, Human Kite, Fastpass, and Mosquito were sitting at.

"Did you see her Coon?" Captain Diabetes said.

"See who?" The Coon said.

"The stripper! Didn't you see her at all?!" Captain Diabetes said.

"No, because Cartman made us order food!" Human Kite said.

"Hey, you can't fight crime on an empty stomach Human Kike!" The Coon said.

"I think she might have gone through the kitchen." Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah, you might be right Butthole. Go on New Kid, and know that if you ever need help, you can call on The Coon!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin and Captain Diabetes then went into the kitchen, and saw a door.

"Hey! What-a are you-a doing in-a my kitchen?!" The head chef said.

"Oh fuck! Sidekick, call for backup now!" Captain Diabetes said as he prepared to use a Coma Combo on the head chef. Dovahkiin then ran back to the rest of the Coon and Friends to get them to help. However, The Coon was busy eating, so he dragged Fastpass and Super Craig to help him.

"Alright, let's take care of these dicks." Super Craig said as he threw a punch at a chef. Dovahkiin fired psychic blasts at a few of the chefs. The chefs then started to throw things at the heroes, and they all got hit.

"I'm bleeding!" Fastpass said as he prepared to move at Mach speed to turn invisible after striking the head chef. Captain Diabetes then managed to incapacitate the head chef with multiple Coma Combos in a row. The other chefs were taken down quickly by the help of the Coon and Friends. Super Craig flipped off the first chef, rammed in to him, dodged a knife being thrown at him, and finished him off with the help of Stripe. Fastpass used his speed to pummel the second chef with punches, knocking him out. Dovahkiin then fired a fire blast with his right hand, and used a psychic blast with his left hand on the third chef. This knocked the third chef out. After that was done, Dovahkiin patched Fastpass up, and the four of them went over to where the door was.

"Oh joy, it's blocked. What ever shall we do?" Super Craig said, with extreme sarcasm.

"I could use my Diabetic Rage, but I have no insulin!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Wait, I have an idea, Cap, I need to sit on your face." Dovahkiin said.

"What? Why?" Captain Diabetes said.

"JUST DO IT!" Dovahkiin said. Captain Diabetes then put his face near Dovahkiin's ass. Dovahkiin then farted in his face. This caused Captain Diabetes to fall into a deep rage, and used his strength to lift what was blocking their way.

"Sidekick, you figured out a way to trigger my rage without sugar or the risk of going into a diabetic coma! The Coon wasn't mocking me at all! He was trying to get me to unleash my true power! Whenever you need something lifted, know that you can fart on my face sidekick!" Captain Diabetes said. The four heroes then went into the next room where they saw something strange.

"Dude, are those all cats?" Super Craig said. Captain Diabetes then called The Coon.

"COON! WE'VE FOUND A WHOLE ROOM OF CATS!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Good! Are any of them Scrambles?" The Coon said.

"No, none of them are fat or old!" Captain Diabetes said.

"What about the girl?" The Coon said.

"We're still after her! She's fled into the next room!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Well then, go into the next room! Coon out!" The Coon said. The four of them then saw that the way to the door was blocked by a cat cage. Dovahkiin dragged it, but saw that it was still blocking the way. But then he farted, and was able to use that fart to rewind time, and clear the way.

"Alright sidekick, let's go through the door. One, two, DIABETES!" Captain Diabetes said as he burst into the room. Inside were four Italian mobsters laughing, and Classi.

"See! I told you the cops were following me!" Classi said.

"And you led them here you stupid bitch?!" One of the mobsters said.

"Who you callin' a stupid bitch?! I ain't your mama!" Classi said.

"The jig is up Classi!" Captain Diabetes said.

"These kids are cops?" Another one of the mobsters said.

"That's no cop, that's Captain Diabetes! When he was born, his mom farted during labour, and it gave him diabetes that help him fight crime!" The leader of the mobsters said.

'Again, that's not how diabetes work!" Captain Diabetes said.

"If they're not cops, then we can shoot them! As well as this bitch too!" A mobster said as the four mobsters pointed guns at both the heroes and Classi.

"Oh shit, y'all turning on me?! I knew I never should have gone into business with you Tony Soprano looking motherfuckas!" Classi said as the four heroes were forced to walk over to where she was.

"Say goodnight, Captain Diabetes!" The leader of the mobster said, just as the door was burst open by a mystery person, causing major damage to the mobsters. It was an even drunker Randy.

"GIVE ME MY FUCKING KEYS!" Randy said, holding a mobster up.

"I don't have your keys man!" The mobster said before being thrown.

"He's wasted on red wine! That's the worst kind of drunk there is! Let's get outta here!" Another mobster said as they ran away.

"Alright, Captain Diabetes, this is it... GIVE ME MY FUCKING KEYS NOW!" Randy said.

"You are in no condition to drive Mr. Marsh!" Captain Diabetes said.

"Then you can DIE!" Randy said as he swung his fists rapidly at Captain Diabetes. Dovahkiin then threw five fire blasts at Randy.

"OH SHIT, I'M ON FIRE!" Randy said.

"That doesn't matter, beat their fuckin' asses!" Classi said. Captain Diabetes then performed a Coma Combo on Randy, knocking him back into Super Craig, who punched him forward.

"Shit, just give me a minute, I need to text Sharon... How do you type? Hey Siri, tell my wife to fuck off, poop emoji...". Randy said just as Fastpass rammed into him at Mach speed, turning him invisible. Super Craig then punched Randy. Dovahkiin fired a psychic blast at Randy.

"Hold on you guys, who the fuck told Sharon I was here. Be back soon love you baby." Randy said. Just then Super Craig attacked Randy with the help of Stripe. This caused Randy to fall down.

"Alright, I'll take a cab home!" Randy said.

"Good idea Mr. Marsh! Nobody drinks and drives on Captain Diabetes' watch!" Captain Diabetes said just as The Coon came in.

"Alright! All I know is that there's some new kingpin trying to bring the Chinese and Italian crime families together or some shit!" Classi said.

"Enough talk! Where is Scrambles?!" The Coon said.

"Scrambles?" Classi said before The Coon pointed to the missing poster.

"Oh shit, y'all just want a cat?!" Classi said. The heroes then took her to the Coon Lair, where she told them about the plan to unite the crime families.

"Now where are the cats being taken?" The Coon said.

"Shit, I ain't tellin' you that until I know I'm safe!" Classi said. Just then, Mrs. Cartman came down.

"BOYS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! IT'S A SCHOOL DAY! YOU SHOULD BE IN BED! AND WHAT'S A STRIPPER DOING IN MY HOUSE?! I WON'T ALLOW HER TO STAY! NOW GO!" Mrs. Cartman said.

"Fine! Fastpass, take Classi to your house! Everyone go home now!" The Coon said as everyone left for their homes. Dovahkiin snuck back into his house and saw that it was 5 AM.

"Shit! I was out for four hours!" Dovahkiin said as he changed back into his pyjamas and went to bed. Tomorrow, he would be starting his first day at South Park Elementary.

 ** _To be continued..._**

 ** _Remember to like, share, follow, and review. This is SMG4's SuperFan, signing out!_**


	6. Chapter 6: Dovakiin Returns

_**Disclaimer (Read by Cousin Kyle): The following is a non-profit fan based parody. South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth and South Park: The Fractured But Whole are all owned by Comedy Central, South Park Studios, Viacom, Matt Stone, and Trey Parker. Please support the official release.**_

It was a beautiful sunny day in South Park, and school was finally in session after the government closed down school for a cover-up operation to disguise an alien spaceship as a Taco Bell. The new student, Dovahkiin, was enjoying the great day, and school had just finished. Dovahkiin was walking outside with his new friends Cartman, Kyle, and Jimmy.

"Yawn! Man, what a great sleep I had last night!" Cartman said.

"Yeah! That was the best sleep I've had in months!" Kyle said

"So, what did you guys do last night?" Jimmy said.

"Nothing much, just watched some TV and went to bed!" Kyle said.

"N-n-nothing ever happens in our b-b-boring lives!" Jimmy said. Cartman then went over to Dovahkiin.

"New Kid, listen, change into your superhero costume when no one is looking, and wait for a call from The Coon." Cartman said.

"So, anyways, see you guys later!" Cartman said. Dovahkiin then spun around when no one was looking, and changed into his superhero costume. Just then, a kid in an orange coat came by.

"How'd you do that? That was dumb." The kid said.

"Well fuck you man, I think it's cool." Dovahkiin said before going home. Just then, he got a call on his phone from The Coon.

"ButtLord, I need you to go Fastpass' house to find out what Classi knows. Coon out!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin then headed over to Fastpass' house, and entered it. When he got inside, he saw Classi sitting on the couch.

"Oh shit, it's you. Don't be farting on my face and shit. HEY FASTPASS! ONE OF YO SUPER HOMIES IS HERE!" Classi said. Fastpass then came into the room with a drink for Classi.

"Oh, hey New Kid! Coon told me he wanted you to interrogate the witness, so go ahead!" Fastpass said.

"Well, alright. Where are the cats being taken?" Dovahkiin said.

"Well, I ain't telling you shit until you get my medication!" Classi said.

"Y-y-your medication?!" Fastpass said. Classi said before giving a piece of paper to Dovahkiin.

"Yeah, my medication. Can't think straight without it. You can get it at Medical Fried Chicken." Classi said.

"Yeah, I'll go get your medication. Be back soon!" Dovahkiin said before heading out. Just as he was about to make it downtown, he got a call from The Human Kite.

"What do you want Kite?" Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah, uh, New Kid, you know that problem from yesterday? Well, it's back, and it's worse. Can you come over to help?" Human Kite said.

"Yeah, sure Kite, I'll be over in a few minutes." Dovahkiin said before hanging up. He then went over to Human Kite's house, and knocked on the door. Human Kite opened it.

"Oh, hey New Kid, the problem's out back. Come with me." Human Kite said as he went to the backyard, while Dovahkiin followed him. Kite then opened the door, and Dovahkiin saw Human Kite 2 standing on a play structure.

 **"I'm BAAACCCKK!"** Human Kite 2 said.

"Can you please deal with him?" Human Kite said.

 **"Oh no! Look Cousin Kyle, it's that mean kid that beat me up before!"** Human Kite 2 said.

"Oh no, someone stop him." Human Kite said with extreme sarcasm.

 **"Don't worry Cousin Kyle, I have developed these super sensors that will make it impossible for him to beat us this time!"** Human Kite 2 said.

"I have to stay out of this. Just please, PLEASE, get rid of him." Human Kite said.

 **"Prepare to meet your doom, evil bully kid!"** Human Kite 2 said before coming down and putting up a blockade.

 **"This barrier represents the Red Sea, which you will be unable to cross without Moses on your side!"** Human Kite 2 said.

"What? That's bullshit!" Dovahkiin said as he called for help from Super Craig, The Coon, and Captain Diabetes.

 **"I don't want to mess this up, but here it goes!"** Human Kite 2 said before firing a laser into the sky, and having it hit the four heroes.

"Ow! Jesus Fucking Christ! I will kill you Human Kike 2!" The Coon said before clawing away at the barrier, destroying part of it. Dovahkiin then fired a psychic blast at the barriers. Two parts of it were destroyed, leaving a spot open to get to Human Kite 2. Super Craig then punched the final part of the barrier, leaving Human Kite 2 without any protection. Captain Diabetes then used a Sugar Rush to attack Human Kite 2, and gained some protection from it. Human Kite 2 then fired another laser, and hit all of them, dealing minor damage. The Coon then jumped into the air, and slashed his claws at Human Kite 2, causing bleeding. Super Craig rammed into Human Kite 2. Dovahkiin fired three fire blasts at Human Kite 2, causing him to collapse.

 **"Alright, that's it! You guys asked for it, and now, Human Kite is going to use his Hebrew faith to call upon the power of the wind. Hikmail ashungya!"** Human Kite said, as the strength of the wind grew more powerful.

 **"Let the strength of the wind make my kite fly into - OH JESUS, IT FELL OFF!"** Human Kite 2 said as the kite on the back of his costume flew into a tree.

 **"Oh Jesus, my kite just fell up into the tree Cousin Kyle!"** Human Kite 2 said.

"Then GIVE UP!" Human Kite said.

 **"Don't worry, super buddy cousin! Perhaps I don't have my kite, but I still have my super weapon! AUNT SHEILA! THESE KIDS ARE PICKING ON ME!"** Human Kite 2 said.

"WHAT? WHAT?! WHHHAAATTTT?!" A voice shouted out from Human Kite's house. Shiela Broflovski then came out of the house.

"WHO'S PICKING ON YOU?!" Kyle's Mom said.

"Who do you kids think you are? I'll call your mothers right now!" Kyle's Mom said.

 **"Yeah! Get them Aunt Shiela!"** Human Kite 2 said as he hid behind Kyle's Mom. Super Craig then punched Kyle's Mom, shoving her back into Human Kite 2.

"That's for starting the Canadian-American war, bitch!" Super Craig said.

"HEY! GUYS, THAT'S MY MOM!" Human Kite said.

"Alright guys, we're taking this too far! Just STOP!" Human Kite said.

"To heck with that! These boys need to learn some manners!" Kyle's Mom said.

 **"Yeah, Aunt Shiela!"** Human Kite 2 said as he used a Jewish scroll to summon a shield.

"Hey, you wanna beat up my mom, you're going to have to go through me first!" Human Kite said.

"Oh shit! Human Kite has been mind-controlled by that bitch Kyle's Mom!" The Coon said as he slashed away at her face.

"You want to come into my backyard and disrespect my family?! I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU!" Kyle's Mom said as she bitchslapped The Coom multiple times. Human Kite then summoned a kite shield to protect his mom.

"You shouldn't mess with my mom, she's gonna kick your ass!" Human Kite said.

"Kyle! Language!" Kyle's Mom said as she punched Captain Diabetes, knocking him back. Dovahkiin then fired multiple fire blasts, and a psychic blast at Human Kite, causing major damage. Human Kite 2 then fired a laser that hit The Coon and Super Craig.

"You alright Super Craig?" Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah sure, I'm fan-fucking-tastic!" Super Craig said as he hit Human Kite 2 hard, breaking his shield. The Coon then slashed at Human Kite, incapacitating him. The Coon then used his ultimate attack, and rapidly swung his claws at both Kyle's Mom and Human Kite 2, defeating them.

"Yeah! The mind control has been lifted!" The Coon said. Kyle's Mom then got up.

"Kyle, call the police! We're have to get these kids arrested!" Kyle's mom said.

"No mom! No police! This is all MY fault." Human Kite said.

"WHAT?!" Kyle's mom said.

"Look, it's just, I couldn't take my cousin copying everything I do! The Human Kite is about saving people, not about Judaism!" Human Kite said.

"And now look at all the damage you've caused! I should press charges again your friends!" Kyle's mom said.

 **"And my kite's up in a tree!"** Human Kite 2 said.

"Look, I'll do anything, OK?" Human Kite said.

"You are going to let your cousin play with you from now on, IS THAT CLEAR?" Kyle's mom said.

 **"Oh boy Cousin Kyle, Aunt Shiela says I get to play with you!"** Human Kite 2 said.

"Yes, sometimes you can play with us. But only when it's not dangerous." Human Kite said.

"Now get your cousin's kite out of that tree, you're not playing anymore until you do!" Kyle's mom said as she dragged Human Kite 2 back into the house.

"Wow man, that was a really nice thing you did back there." Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah I know. The only reason I didn't want him playing superheroes is that he could get himself killed, because we are actual heroes. And then I would never hear the end of it from mom." Human Kite said.

"Hey, Super Craig said that your mom caused the Canadian-American war. Do you know anything about that?" Dovahkiin said, referring to the war that took place a year ago.

"Oh yeah, that? It's a really long story involving the first Terrance and Phillip movie, cursing, a moral epidemic, Satan, and Saddam Hussein. I'll tell you it later. Now we gotta get that kite out of the tree!" Human Kite said.

"Wait, I have an idea. Get on my back, and don't question it." Dovahkiin said.

"Okay, fine." Human Kite said before getting on Dovahkiin's back. Dovahkiin then propelled himself and Human Kite through the air with a series of farts. They then were able to reach the kite. Dovahkiin and Human Kite then jumped back down, stabilizing themselves with a fart.

"Holy shit, dude! That was awesome!" Human Kite said.

"I know!" Dovahkiin said.

"I'm going to call that Fartkour, if you ever need to get someplace high, give me a text and we'll Fartkour over there! God I hope I never have to do that in public." Human Kite said before giving the kite to Dovahkiin. Dovahkiin then went inside, and saw Kyle's Mom treating Human Kite 2's wounds.

"Here you go." Dovahkiin said.

 **"Oh thanks! Now I can fight crime again!"** Human Kite 2 said. Dovahkiin then went downtown, and into the alleyway, when all of a sudden, Raisins Girls showed up in front of him. He was about to turn around, when he saw more Raisins Girls closing the entrance to the alleyway.

"You made a real mistake when you attacked us." Porsche said as she swung her razor-sharp nails at Dovahkiin, who put up a psychic shield, which soaked up the damage.

"Oh, hell no!" Dovahkiin said as he kicked Mercedes, causing her to fly back into Lexus. The other Raisins girls tried to attract Dovahkiin, but it didn't work.

"Ladies, didn't you learn anything from last time? I'm not affected by your tricks!" Dovahkiin said as he fired psychic blasts at both Porsche and Mercedes. Lexus then threw a punch at Dovahkiin, who dodged it, as he fell right into Mercedes' nails. Dovahkiin retaliated by throwing a few fireballs at her, incapacitating her. Dovahkiin then fired psychic blasts at both Porshce and Lexus, which also incapacitated them. Lexus then got up again.

"You fucked with the wrong bitches!" Lexus said.

"You really think you're tough shit, don't you? Well it's time for you to meet someone. Say hello to Rebecca!" Mercedes said as a huge fat kid wearing a Raisins outfit breathing heavily came into the alleyway.

"I'm going to break you in half, and shove you up my butt!" Rebecca said as she slammed into Dovahkiin, causing him to collapse. She was then ready to attack Dovahkiin again, but was checking her phone.

"Oh my god! Oh my god!" Rebecca said.

"What?" Porshce said.

"A thousand people just disliked this picture of me in ballet class on Instagram! I'm totally getting trolled right now!" Rebecca said. All Raisins Girl checked their phones, as they all got notifications.

"What the f? Heather, why did you say I was going out with Eric Cartman?" The Raisins Girl said.

"I didn't!" Heather said.

"I'm getting trolled too!" Lexus said.

"What the fuck?! What the fuck?! I just lost all of my followers!" Rebecca said.

"I have to get to a computer!" Heather said, as all the Raisins Girls left.

"You win this time asshole, but next time, we'll beat you up." Lexus said.

"What the fuck just happened?" Dovahkiin said as he got up. Just then, someone landed behind him.

"Hello New Kid." The person said. Dovahkiin turned around to see a girl with a pink eye mask, gaming headphones, a purple tank-top with multiple electronic devices and a badge with a pink flame on it, and pink shorts and shoes.

"Don't worry, I'm unfriending their Instagrams exponentially, they won't be back for awhile." The woman said.

"You gotta be careful playing superhero. You can make all sorts of enemies." The woman said.

"No shit, now who are you, and who do you work for? Coon and Friends or Freedom Pals?" Dovahkiin said.

"I work for neither. And the name's Call Girl." Call Girl said.

"Well then Call Girl, thanks for saving me." Call Girl said.

"No problem. You know, some boys don't think girls make good superheroes. But you know what it's like to be different. Do you think girls are just as good gamers as boys?" Call Girl said.

"Well, yes. I mean, are you good at games?" Dovahkiin said.

"Well, yes I am very good at video games. Play them a lot when I'm alone. Sometimes while on the job, I play this." Call Girl said as she pointed to the Nintendo Switch on her belt.

"Anyways, you've got some problems. What you did last night got a lot of people's attention. BAD people. There's a crime boss who's calling the shots here in South Park, and that person is now planning to run for office. What you did last night scared him. I'm tracking everyone's Facebooks and Instagrams and will continue to cross-reference with Tumblr, while monitoring Linkdin and Twitter." Call Girl said.

"Well shit. Do you need me to do anything Call Girl?" Dovahkiin said.

"Actually, yes. I heard you and the Freedom Pals got into a fight yesterday. I need information about the Freedom Pals, and fast. Did you manage to steal anything from the Freedom Pals by any chance?" Call Girl said.

"Well, Coon was able to steal Doctor Timothy's phone." Dovahkiin said as he pulled out Timmy's phone, which he pocketed from the Coon Lair yesterday.

"Great, give me a minute." Call Girl said as she opened the back of Timmy's phone, and put a device on it.

"This device will hack into the Freedom Pals' base's security cameras when within a 10-mile radius, leading you and I to monitor the Freedom Pals. Whenever you're in a fight with the Freedom Pals, slip this back in Timmy's pocket." Call Girl said.

"Okay." Dovahkiin said.

"And remember, if you ever need help. Know that you can call on Call Girl." Call Girl said as she climbed up a ladder, and ran across the rooftops.

'Well, it looks like I've got a new ally. Got to go to MFC now." Dovahkiin said as he headed out of the alleyway, and towards Medical Fried Chicken.

 ** _To Be Continued..._**

 ** _Remember to like, share, follow, and review. This is SMG4's SuperFan, signing out!_**


	7. Chapter 7: Craig of Steel

_**Disclaimer (Read by Towelie): The following is a non-profit fan based parody. South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth and South Park: The Fractured But Whole are all owned by Comedy Central, Viacom, South Park Studios, Matt Stone, and Trey Parker. Please support the official release. Now, you wanna get high?**_

As Dovahkiin went to Medical Fried Chicken, he noticed that turrets were all around the place. As he walked past the door, a robotic voice shouted.

 _"YOU ARE A MINOR APPROACHING AN AREA WITH CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES. BACK AWAY FROM THE DANK KUSH!"_ The voice said. Dovahkiin had no idea what to do then, but a voice came through his head.

 _"Too bad, New Kid. Minors aren't allowed into a place like that..."_. The voice said.

"Morgan Freeman? Again?" Dovahkiin said.

 _"Of course, you aren't just any ordinary minor..."_. Morgan Freeman said. Just then, a nearby car's trunk opened. Dovahkiin went over to the trunk, and saw blueprints.

"A Cheesy Shrimprito huh? That might help. All I need is some Super Spicy City Shrimp from City Wok, and some roof-aged cheese. I already have a tortilla. I think I know where to go." Dovahkiin said as he headed back out the alley, through downtown, and past the police station. He arrived at Historic Shi Pa Town. He saw the City Wok, and went inside.

"Hello, welcome to City Wok, what can I get for you?" Mr. Kim said.

"Uh, some Super Spicy City Shrimp." Dovahkiin said as he paid for the chicken.

"OK, here you go. Now leave restaurant!" Mr. Kim said. Dovahkiin then left the restaurant, and went over to Skeeter's Bar. He noticed that he could get onto the roof with the help of Human Kite, but there were sixth graders there. Dovahkiin went up to them, and threw a punch.

"Oh, you want some of that? I'm gonna kick your ass fourthie!" A sixth grader said as he tried to hit Dovahkiin. Dovahkiin then dodged, and called Human Kite, Super Craig, and Captain Diabetes for help.

"Oh shit, we're taking on the sixth graders?!" Human Kite said.

"No holding back on these dicks!" Super Craig said as he rammed into a sixth grader. Another sixth grader then flinged his boogers at Human Kite. Human Kite then threw up.

"Oh shit, Kite! Are you OK?" Dovahkiin said as he fired a plasma wave at the sixth graders.

"Yeah, sure. I'm fine. Let's just get these assholes!" Human Kite said as he fired his eye lasers at the leader of the sixth graders. All of a sudden, a voice could be heard.

 **"I'm back!"** Human Kite 2 said as he came up to the battle. He used a Jewish scroll to shield himself.

 **"Good news everybody, I'm shielded! OK bye for now!"** Human Kite 2 said as he left.

"What the fuck just happened?" A sixth grader said just as Captain Diabetes used an Insulin Shock to knock him back, and incapacitate him. Super Craig then threw a punch at the sixth grade leader, and Dovahkiin was given a titty twister by a sixth grader. Human Kite then fired another laser at the sixth grade leader, which knocked him out, and Dovahkiin fired multiple fire blasts at the final sixth graders, setting him on fire. Super Craig then rammed into him, which knocked him out.

"Good job guys!" Human Kite said as everyone started to leave.

"Kite, I need you for now." Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah, okay Dragonborn. What do you need me to do?" Human Kite said.

"I need you to Fartkour me up to the roof." Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah, sure, I'll just get on your back." Human Kite said as he got on Dovahkiin's back, and started to Fartkour up to the roof. When they got up there, a kid was there.

"Oh, hey. I saw you get up onto the roof. I assume you want some of this. It was there when I got up here, and I don't want it." The kid said as he pointed to the roof-aged cheese. Dovahkiin then picked it up, and flew down with Human Kite. Dovahkiin then crafted the Cheesy Shrimprito. He then went back to the Medical Fried Chicken, where he heard a voice again.

 _"Go on, eat it. Don't be shy..."_. Morgan Freeman said. Dovahkiin then pulled out the Cheesy Shrimprito, and ate it. Dovahkiin then felt his stomach rumble, and he unleashed a massive fart. He then noticed that nothing was moving.

"Holy shit! My farts can stop time!" Dovahkiin said as he quickly moved to the off switch for the turret guns. Just as he did that, time started to flow again, and the guns were deactivated. Just then, The Coon showed up.

"Ah, New Kid! I see you're here to assist in assuring Classi's cooperation as well." The Coon said as he walked to the door.

"Please, after you." The Coon said as they entered Medical Fried Chicken.

"Uh hello, we're picking up some medicine for a friend." The Coon said.

"Oh, is your friend looking for an energizing mental feeling, or a full-body high?" The person behind the counter said.

"To be honest, I really don't know." The Coon said.

"Oh, okay. I'll send over our expert budtender to help you!" The person behind the counter said as he left. Then, an anthropomorphic towel wearing a weed apron came up to the counter.

"Hey, you wanna get high? Oh, hey Eric!" Towelie said.

"Oh wow, Towelie! I thought you went to rehab." The Coon said.

"Yeah, I did. But now I'm back in South Park, clean, sober, and I tell you one thing, I DON'T MISS IT!" Towelie said.

"And you work at a pot store." The Coon said.

"Who the fuck is that? Why the fuck do you know that guy?" Dovahkiin said.

"It's a long story involving a government experiment, a really long road trip, weed, and our Okama GameSphere." The Coon said.

"Cannabis Eric, and yeah, it's great! Now I get high helping people cure their back pains, migraines, insomnia, and stress!" Towelie said.

"Anyways, we're here to pick up medication for Classi." The Coon said.

"Oh, yeah! Classy with a Y with a clit hanging off coming around and licking the shit outta the C?" Towelie said.

"Uh no. It's Classi with an I, and a dick hanging off the I fucking the shit outta the ASS." The Coon said.

"Oh, yeah, that Classi." Towelie said.

"Here's her order." Dovahkiin said as he handed Towelie the piece of paper that Classi gave to him.

"OK, let's see here, she likes the Banana Kush for her back, and some of the Platinum OG to- Wait, WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO PUT THE CHILLAX KUSH IN WITH THE OG MELLOWBLISS?! WHAT THE FUCK! YOU FUCKING RETARDS! PEOPLE DON'T WANT THAT SHIT MIXED TOGETHER! THEY'LL GET FUCKED UP! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!" Towelie said.

"Hey, hey, hey! Calm down Towelie! It's cool!" The Coon said.

"No Eric, IT IS NOT COOL! I'm trying to run a legitimate business, and my back hurts, and I can't sleep, I got no appetite, this shitty town is so fucked up, we gotta buy all our product from FUCKING SIXTH GRADERS, and who knows where they get that shit from! And then, I get you little motherfuckers telling me to calm the fuck down! FUCK YOU! YOU RELAX! YOU'RE A TOWEL! AAAAHHHHH!" Towelie said as he pulled out a lighter and hairspray, and jumped out on to the floor.

"Budtenders, get the fuck in here! It's time to give these customers a consultation!" Towelie said as he knocked down some weed, making it fall on the ground. Two other employees then rushed in, and Towelie then lit the hairspray, and hit both The Coon and Dovahkiin with it, burning them. One of the budtenders then kicked The Coon back into one of the piles of weed, lighting it.

"Shit, now you're lighting my stock on fire?! Sure smells nice though. God's air freshener." Towelie said.

"Burn the other piles!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin then tried to get to the next pile but he was blocked by the budtenders. He then had an idea.

"Coon, I got an idea, hold your nose!" Dovahkiin said as he unleashed a massive fart, which stopped time. He ran across the room, lighting all the weed piles on fire. Time then started to flow again, and all the weed piles started to burn.

"OK, now it's time for my best attack! My best attack... My best... Oh hey Eric, how ya doin'? You know, I always thought you were a cool guy." Towelie said, now high off the fumes.

"Good job, ButtLord. You calmed Towelie down." The Coon said. Towelie then handed Dovahkiin a canister full of weed.

"Now, this is for Classi. I threw in a few hash nuggets and some Granddaddy Purple Shatter on the house... Come in anytime you need a hookup." Towelie said.

"Okay, thanks Towelie. Get this to Classi." The Coon said as they left. Dovahkiin then went over to Fastpass' house and handed Classi her weed.

"Thank fuckin' god! I need this shit, or I lose my motherfuckin' mind, you know what I'm sayin'? Anyways, y'all niggas need to go to U-Stor-It." Classi said. Dovahkiin then left the house, and a cop car stopped.

"You're the Farting Vigilante from the news, aren't you?" Detective Murphy said.

"Wait, I was on the news?" Dovahkiin said.

"Well, I need you to go on down to the police station. Sargent Yates wants your help." Detective Murphy said. Dovahkiin then got a call from The Coon.

"Did you get the information from Classi?" The Coon said.

"Yeah Coon, she says that the cats are being taken to U-Stor-It." Dovahkiin said.

"Good. We know where we need to go now, Coon out!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin then got a text from Super Craig.

"Hey New Kid, I need you to come over to Tweak Bros. Coffee. It's really important. Later." The text said. Dovahkiin then got a call from Mr. Mackey.

"Hey, New Kid, it turns out that gender is actually more complicated then what we talked about yesterday, m'kay. When you have the time, can you come to my office to have a chat? M'kay?" Mr. Mackey said before hanging up. Dovahkiin then got another text from Super Craig.

"New Kid, you need to get more of your character sheet filled out. After helping me at Tweak Bros., go over to Crunchy's Microbrewery. There's someone who can help you there." The text said. New Kid then went over to Tweak Bros., where Super Craig was.

"Oh, hey New Kid. I have this ex-friend that I hate now, and he has my laptop. I need you to give him this note." Super Craig said before giving Dovahkiin a note. Dovahkiin then went inside, and into the back room. There, he saw Wonder Tweek in his civilian clothes, drinking coffee. Tweek's father then came in.

"How's the taste tests coming along son?" Mr. Tweak said.

"I CAN'T TASTE ANYTHING ANYMORE, GAAHHH!" Tweek said.

"Well keep trying, we need the perfect sunset blend." Mr. Tweak said before leaving. Tweek then noticed Dovahkiin standing there.

"Gaahh! What do you want?!" Tweek said before Dovahkiin handed him the note.

"Give me my fucking laptop back... WELL HE CAN HAVE HIS FUCKING LAPTOP WHEN I GET MY GUINEA PIG BACK! We bought it when we were together, but STRIPE IS MINE! I PAID FOR HIM, I HAVE THE RECEIPT! You think it's right that he gets to keep Stripe while he's the one who didn't stand up for me?! YOU TELL HIM THAT!" Tweek said as he gave Dovahkiin a receipt. Dovahkiin then went outside to where Super Craig was.

"Well, did you get my laptop?" Super Craig said before Dovahkiin handed him the receipt.

"Oh, he wants Stripe back?! FINE. Go up to my room, and get Stripe." Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then went over to Super Craig's house, and went into his room. There, he saw Stripe hiding under some trash. He went up to it, and Stripe ran towards the vent. Dovahkiin had no time to catch him, he was too fast. Dovahkiin then farted, and used another fart to pause time, so that he could grab Stripe. He then went back to Tweak Bros. Coffee where Super Craig was.

"You got it? Good. When you give that to Tweek, you make sure that he knows that when you walk out on someone, you don't get to make the fucking rules!" Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then went in to Tweek Bros, and saw Tweek standing near the back room.

"Oh, so he finally decided to be reasonable, huh? Here's his fucking laptop!" Tweek said before giving Dovahkiin Craig's laptop. Just then, Mr. Tweak came up to Dovahkiin.

"Oh, hello, New Kid. I see you're really trying hard to get my son and his boyfriend back together. I really appreciate it, having a gay son is really good for the coffee business. I think all they need is some relationship counselling. Can you give this to Tweek and Craig?" Mr. Tweak said, as he took Craig's laptop from Dovahkiin. Dovahkiin then went outside to Super Craig.

"Where is it?" Super Craig said.

"I don't have it. Craig, you can get your laptop after you sort out your problems with Tweek. You need relationship counselling". Dovahkiin said as he handed a counselling referral to Super Craig.

"Ugh, relationship counselling? Fine, I'll go just as long as you're there as well. I need backup." Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then went over to where Tweek was, and handed him the referral.

"What's this? Relationship counselling? CRAIG?! Are you shitting me?! Fine, I'll go. Just as long as you come as well. You seem to make him sensible." Tweek said. Dovahkiin then left to go to the school. As he walked into the school, he noticed that a sixth grader had put electrified water near Mr. Mackey's office. Dovahkiin noticed that the sixth grader was standing under a speaker, so he threw a firecracker at the speaker, and it fell on the sixth grader, knocking him out. He then paused time and turned off the power. He then entered Mr. Mackey's office.

"Oh, New Kid. Have a seat, please." Mr. Mackey said as Dovahkiin sat down.

"Now, I got some feedback from the principal that our discussion about sex, I mean gender wasn't precise enough. He, uh, gave me some guidelines on how to do a more through pass helping you identify your gender, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey said as he looked down at his clipboard.

"Is the gender you were assigned to at birth the gender that you currently identify with?" Mr. Mackey said.

"I was born a male, and I identify as a male." Dovahkiin said.

"Oh, then you're cisgender! Just like we talked about yesterday! Now, I want to talk to you about sexuality. Now people get sex and gender mixed up, but that's bad, that's bad, m'kay. Now what is the gender of the type of person that you are sexually attracted to?" Mr. Mackey said.

"I am sexually attracted to all binary genders." Dovahkiin said.

"Oh, then that means that you are bisexual. You're bisexual, New Kid!" Mr. Mackey said.

"Okay, I think we're done here. Now go on out and enjoy the beautiful day." Mr. Mackey said. Dovahkiin then got up, left his office, and left the school. Just as he left the school, a beat-down truck came by.

"Hey, it's that boy!" A redneck said.

"Oh, fuck. Not again...". Dovahkiin said.

"I hear they're cisgendered!" A second redneck said.

"And they're bisexual too!" A third redneck said.

"We don't take kindly to your types around here!" The first redneck said.

"Let's welcome this THING to our town!" The second redneck said before swinging his bottle of beer at Dovahkiin, who dodged at the last second. Dovahkiin then called for help from Super Craig, Captain Diabetes and Fastpass. They arrived within seconds. The first redneck shook a beer can, and sprayed it at Fastpass, who retaliated by striking him at Mach speed. Super Craig then punched the first redneck, knocking him back into the truck. Dovahkiin fired several fire blasts at the third redneck, burning him. Captain Diabetes then used a Coma Combo on the first redneck, causing him to be knocked out. Super Craig then rammed into the third redneck, and Fastpass hit the third redneck at superspeed, causing him to be incapacitated. Dovahkiin then used a psychic blast on the second redneck. The second redneck then kicked him, causing Dovahkiin to fly back into Fastpass. Captain Diabetes then used an Insulin Shock to knock back the third redneck, and Super Craig punched him, knocking him out. The heroes had won. Dovahkiin then left to go to Crunchy's Microbrewery.

 ** _To Be Continued..._**

 ** _Remember to like, share, follow, and review. This is SMG4's SuperFan signing out!_**


	8. Civil War II

_**Disclaimer (Read by Toolshed): The following is a non-profit fan based parody. South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth, and South Park: The Fractured But Whole are all owned by Comedy Central, Viacom, South Park Studios, Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Please support the official release.**_

As Dovahkiin walked into Crunchy's Microbrewery, he saw a muscular man in his twenties, wearing blue shades, a blue t-shirt, and light brown pants shouting at another man.

"And now you've got a problem with ME! I'm not just going to sit here while you insult this man's ethnicity!" The man said.

"But I wasn't insulting him." The other man said as the first man took off his sunglasses.

"Excuse me?! Did you, or did you not say that this man seemed tired?!" The man said.

"Yes, he's my friend. I said, "Paulo, you look tired."" The other man said.

"MICROAGRESSION!" The man said as he punched the other man.

"Persons of Hispanic background are often stereotyped as being sleepy, and saying that they look tired is a microagression THAT WILL NOT STAND!" The man said.

"But I am tired." Paulo said. The man then beat Paulo up. He then tuned to Dovahkiin.

"YOU! You're the New Kid right?" The man said.

"Uh yeah, my name's Dovahkiin." Dovahkiin said.

"Good. I'm the principal of your school. My name's PC Principal. I was told by Tucker that you wanted to talk about some race issues. OK, come at me." PC Principal said, getting into a fighting position.

"What?!" Dovahkiin said.

"C'mon, you wanna learn about race, right? Give me your best shot!" PC Principal said.

"It's a nice day, isn't it?" PC Principal said. Dovahkiin tried to hit him, but got punched.

"What's wrong with you?! You can't just attack for no reason! Try again!" PC Principal said.

"It's a nice day, isn't it?" PC Principal said. This time, Dovahkiin didn't attack.

"Yes, very good. That was indeed not a microagression. Alright, round two!" PC Principal said.

"I ate a hamburger last week." PC Principal said.

"Well, was it good?" Dovahkiin said, not attacking PC Principal.

"Good job, that was also not a microagression. This time, I will use a microagression and you will see how it gives you a free shot." PC Principal said as he clapped his hands.

"Alright everybody, I'm about to use a microagression, but it is only for the use of training this young person in the ways of the Social Justice Warrior. Thank you, microagression about to happen, thank you." PC Principal said.

"My friend Brian looks like a chick." PC Principal said. Dovahkiin then hit him.

"Not bad kid, not bad at all. Not only is the word "chick" derogatory of females, but also criticizing a male for looking feminine is a microagression towards people of transgender." PC Principal said.

"Now let's see if you can spot a more subtle microagression." PC Principal said.

"My pants are warm. My pants... Are warm...". PC Principal said. Dovahkiin didn't attack.

"I heard it's going to rain." PC Principal said. Dovahkiin did not attack.

"That coffee belongs to Tim Sherman." PC Principal said. Dovahkiin didn't attack.

"Janet likes to roller skate." PC Principal said. Dovahkiin didn't attack.

"Mr. Yamashiro is actually a very good driver." PC Principal said. Dovahkiin hit him.

"Good job kid! Using the term "actually" infers that maybe other Asian-Americans aren't good drivers, and the use of Mr. is offensive to people of third gender. Now before we talk about your race, I need you to go out and do some PC work for me! Just catch some microagressions! Here, take this as well." PC Principal said, as he gave Dovahkiin a certificate stating that he is an official Social Justice Warrior. Dovahkiin then went to the police station. As he entered the building, he saw a person guarding the door.

"Who are you supposed to be, a yoga instructor? Go on through." The guard said as he pressed the button to unlock the door. Dovahkiin entered the room, and saw Sgt. Yates talking to two other officers.

"So then the wop says to the polack, "If I wanted tits, I would have beat up the nip in this black guy's hat!"!" Sgt. Yates said. He then noticed Dovahkiin standing behind him.

"Oh, who's this? You're the one who made the news last night, aren't you?" Sgt. Yates said.

"Well, I guess so." Dovahkiin said.

"Well, the police can always use the help of concerned citizens." Sgt. Yates said.

"I guess we can give our little junior detective a kiddie case to work on." Sgt. Yates said.

"Kiddie?! Last night, I took on mobsters! With guns!" Dovahkiin said.

"Well, it's not very child-friendly! Listen, there's a drug dealer here in South Park. We've tracked him to this house right here." Sgt. Yates said as he pointed to the light blue house next to Big Gay Al's house. I want you to lead point, and neutralize him. Once he's down, we'll come in and arrest him. You got that?"" Sgt. Yates said.

"Yeah, sure. I'll kick his ass." Dovahkiin said as he left the police station, and headed to the house. Once he entered the house, he got a call from Sgt. Yates.

"Alright, listen, thermal imaging shows that the suspect is heavily armed. Go in carefully." Sgt. Yates said as Dovahkiin entered the kitchen. There, he saw a black man holding a butter knife. The man then turned around, and saw Dovahkiin.

"Hey, what are you doing in my house?!" The man said as Dovahkiin prepared to fire a plasma blast at the man. He then fired the blast, and used a TimeFart to pause time, and incapacitated the suspect before he could attack. The suspect was left on the ground. Dovahkiin then called Sgt. Yates on his phone, and told him to come over quickly. Within a few minutes, the police arrived, and arrested the man.

"Good job kid. That's one less violent degenerate in this town! Come by again for another case!" Sgt. Yates said. Dovahkiin then realized that he had nothing better to do, so he went back to the police station.

"Who are you supposed to be, a gypsy magician? Go on through." The guard said as he unlocked the door. Dovahkiin went in, and saw Sgt. Yates waiting for him.

"Hey, little crime stopper. Back for more? I got something you might be interested in. It turns out that that scum you fucked up was only on the bottom end of the totem pole. The real kingpin is hiding out here." Sgt. Yates said, pointing to the Black residence.

"Thanks for letting me use your phone. He's hiding out in some big mansion that he bought with blood money. It's rigged up to a high-tech security system. Use this hacking device to disable the alarms. Good luck little crime stopper." Sgt. Yates said as he handed Dovahkiin an audio recorder. Dovahkiin then left the police station, and headed off to Dark Meadows. When he got there, he noticed that the guard was missing, and the door was unlocked. He decided to enter, and walk through the driveway. Just then, the guard showed up. It was the same guard Dovahkiin had fucked up on his first day in South Park, back when everyone was playing Stick of Truth.

"Not this time sir!" The security guard said.

"Look, just let me go by. I don't want to fight!" Dovahkiin said.

"Please move the fuck along, or I will fuck you up non-lethally! I will beat you up until my shift is over!" The security guard said. Dovahkiin then realized that there was going to be a fight, no matter what, so he called for Human Kite, Super Craig, and Captain Diabetes. They arrived within a second.

"I will not be humiliated again! This time, I got backup!" The security guard said. Just then, three guard dogs came into the fray.

"Okay, you three take the dogs, I'll take the guard!" Dovahkiin said as he prepared a psychic shield. Human Kite fired a laser at the first dog, Super Craig rammed into the second dog, Captain Diabetes performed a Coma Combo on the third dog. The security guard then hit Dovahkiin with a nightstick, but the shield protected Dovahkiin from taking any damage.

"This is a mistake beyond your comprehension!" The security guard said. Dovahkiin then hit him hard in the balls.

"MICROAGRESSION!" Dovahkiin said as he then fired three fireballs at the security guard, causing burning. Human Kite then was attacked by the first dog, and retaliated with another laser. Super Craig then flipped off the second dog, and got blocking. The second dog then tried to attack Super Craig rapidly, but the attacks did no damage. Captain Diabetes then did another Coma Combo on the third dog, and knocked the dog out.

"Get those kids!" The security guard said, as two other security guards came in.

"I graduated seventh in my online class, so you're screwed!" The second security guard said as he threw a flash bang. It hit no one. The third security guard then sprayed some mace on Super Craig, who then threw up.

"Here, take this!" Human Kite said as his kite came off his back, and onto Super Craig, giving him protection. Dovahkiin then paused time, and took out the first security guard with some kicks and punches. When time flowed again, he was incapacitated. Super Craig then punched the second security guard, causing him to be knocked back into a tree. Human Kite fired a laser at the third dog, incapacitating it. Captain Diabetes performed a Sugar Rush, ramming into the second dog, knocking it out, and gaining protection. Dovahkiin fired two psychic blasts at the guards, which knocked them out. The heroes had won the battle.

"Good job guys. See you later." Dovahkiin said as he went inside the house. As he entered, the alarm went off. Dovahkiin went over to the phone, and put the hacking device near the phone. He pressed play on the device.

"Hello, this is Jeff with Wolf Home Security. Is everything alright?" The voice on the other side of the phone said.

"Yes, I live here and I can't remember the code to turn off the darn alarm!" Sgt. Yates' voice said.

"That's okay sir, can you tell me your security password?" The voice said.

"Uh, yes, no problem. I've got it right here, just give me a second. Dang it, lemme look in here, darn it, wrong drawer! Could you hang on for a minute?" Sgt. Yates' voice said.

"No problem sir." The voice said.

"Did you maybe write the password down somewhere, like a notepad, sir?" The voice said.

"Yes, yes, there must be something. Lemme see... Let me check in this drawer. Ah, dang it! I need my glasses! Hold on!" Sgt. Yates' voice said.

"Maybe it's my middle name? Could you try my middle name?" Sgt. Yates' voice said.

"Look sir, let's just look up your account profile, and get a new password for you, if you could hang on the line." The voice said. The alarms then stopped. Dovahkiin then got a call from Sgt. Yates.

"Good job on stopping that alarm! Thermal imaging shows the suspect is upstairs." Sgt. Yates said. Dovahkiin then noticed that the basement door had an electronic lock, and the Freedom Pals' logo on it. He realized that this was the Freedom Pals' base. He then went upstairs, and went into an exercise room. There, he saw a black man exercising. The man then noticed Dovahkiin.

"Hey, who the hell are you? You can't just break in here?!" The man said. Dovahkiin then fired a psychic blast at the man. He then paused time, and hit the man until he was knocked out. Dovahkiin then called the police, and they arrived within a few minutes. He then met Sgt. Yates at the gates.

"Good job little crime stopper. Come down to the police station for a reward." Sgt. Yates said as he left. Dovahkiin then went to the police station.

"Who are you supposed to be, a drum major? Go on through." The guard said as he let Dovahkiin through. Then, he saw Sgt. Yates.

"Good job little crime stopper. I wish I had a hundred of you on the force." Sgt. Yates said before handing Dovahkiin a junior detective badge and some money. Dovahkiin then left the station, and was about to head home, when he got a call from The Coon.

"ButtLord, I have to say that I'm mildly impressed by your progress. Come to the Coon Lair, I've got a little surprise for you. Coon out!" The Coon said before hanging up. Dovahkiin then went to The Coon's house, and entered the Coon Lair. There, he saw everyone arguing over their franchise plan.

"No, no, no, no! We can't have the Super Craig movie before the Human Kite Netflix series guys!" The Coon said.

"Well, what a-a-about introducing Super Craig in the second Coon and Friends movie?" Fastpass said.

"I don't know. That would be pretty DC of us." The Coon said.

"Ah! ButtLord! Have a seat! Guys, I need some time with Butthole!" The Coon said. Everyone then left. Dovahkiin then sat down.

"ButtLord, I want you to know that we've decided to give you your own Netflix series after the Fastpass Fox miniseries and the third Coon and Friends United movie. Congratulations." The Coon said.

"Okay, well go out there and finish your goals. Just wanted to tell you the exiting news." The Coon said.

"What do you want New Kid? I already let you dual class!" The Coon said.

"Coon, I want to triple-class." Dovahkiin said.

"Oh no! Just because you saw your mom got fucked by your dad that you can just triple-class? No! No! Ugh... Fine! You can triple-class! You can choose between the five classes you didn't pick before, plus Gadgeteer and Assassin." The Coon said.

"Assassin. It sounds cool." Dovahkiin said.

"Okay, but we're going to have to change your backstory. One night, when you were a young child, you couldn't sleep, but that was because you saw bright lights in the sky. You went to the mirror, and thought maybe you weren't of this world. Then suddenly you heard your mother calling out for help! You left your room, and saw three intruders and an alien in your hallway! You knew you had to stop them, you knew you could stop them, so for the very first time, you called upon your assassin powers! As an assassin class you sharpened your blades, and prepared to do what you did best, KILL. You lunged at the first intruder with your knife, and caused bleeding. The intruder then swung his crowbar at you, causing damage. You had to get back into the shadows, so you threw some bombs at the second intruder, and disappeared. The three intruders then tried looking for you, but put themselves in a perfect ambush position. You then spun around and threw multiple knives at the intruders causing two of the intruders to be knocked out. The final intruder then swung his crowbar rapidly at you. It was do or die, you used your final power to lunge at top speed with your sharpest knife, knocking him out and lurching back into the shadows. You followed the alien, and it took you to a room. You were too late, you saw your dad fuck your mom." The Coom said.

"I'm so sorry for you ButtLord. Now go out there and get us more followers! We're up to 100 followers on Coonstagram!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin then left, and was about to go home when he got a call from Fastpass.

"N-n-new Kid! Come to the park! One of the Freedom Pals is calling us out!" Fastpass said. Dovahkiin then went over to the park, where he saw The Coon, Fastpass and Human Kite waiting for him.

"So this is where we meet him?" The Coon said.

"Yeah, that's what his text said." Fastpass said.

"Yeah, but why would the Freedom Pals want to talk to us?" The Coon said.

"Unless, this was a trap!" Human Kite said. Just then, a kid with black hair, a white t-shirt, and various tools came out of hiding. Dovahkiin could easily tell it was Stan.

"Relax Coon Friends, I didn't come here to fight." Stan said.

"Who's that?" Dovahkiin said.

"That's Toolshed, a gadgeteer class visionary type." Human Kite said.

"And a butt-fucking traitor." The Coon said.

"Just listen to me, I understand that the New Kid helped take my dad's keys last night. New Kid, I don't know why you did it, but I owe you one. That's all I came to say. You may be on the wrong side, but if you ever need help, I'll return the favour." Toolshed said.

"HA! You think the New Kid fucking cares about you? You belong to a zero-income loser franchise led by a douchebag in a wheelchair!" The Coon said.

"Well thanks Toolshed. I'll try to find a way for you to help out." Dovahkiin said.

"What?" The Coon said.

" _Well at least Toolshed isn't a fat little phone stealer!"_ A voice called out in the Coon and Friends' minds.

"Oh fuck. Not him again." The Coon said. Doctor Timothy had came up behind them.

"TIMMY!" Doctor Timothy said. Just then, Tupperware and Mysterion came into sight.

"You call us losers when the only way you can get a lead is to steal a phone?! Where is Doctor Timothy's phone?!" Mysterion said.

"S-s-sorry Freedom Pussies! That information's classified!" Fastpass said.

"Right here assholes. Here you go dick. We already have all the info we need from the phone, and a new lead." Dovahkiin said before throwing the phone to Doctor Timothy.

"You guys need to stop investigating the Chamber of Commerce and leave it to the professional superheroes!" Mysterion said.

"Oh, yeah. YOU guys are the professional superheroes. It just so happens Mysterion, that we have a connection with Netflix, and are about to get the Human Kite series off the ground!" The Coon said.

"Wait, what are you doing?! Stop Timmy! Stop raping my mind! Timmy!" The Coon said as Professor Timothy raped his mind.

 _"They don't have a connection at Netflix!"_ Doctor Timothy said.

"Freedom Pals just raped my mind guys! Let's get these pedophiles!" The Coon said as he got into battle position.

"COON AND FRIENDS ASSEMBLE!" Fastpass said.

"FREEDOM PALS UNITE!" Toolshed said.

"Civil War II! It's going down dick!" The Coon said before lunging at Mysterion, who retaliated with by punching The Coon in the chest. Fastpass swung at Tupperware, who then used a Tupper Tornado to knock back Fastpass into the Human Kite, who then fired a laser at Toolshed.

"You brought this on yourself when you sided with those assholes, New Kid!" Toolshed said just as Dovahkiin hit him hard.

"MICROAGRESSION!" Dovahkiin said as he threw some bombs at Doctor Timothy, and turned invisible. Doctor Timothy then used his mind powers to teleport. He then used his powers to summon some kindergarteners, when Dovahkiin used a TimeFart to pause time, and punch Doctor Timothy enough to knock him out when time flowed again.

"DOCTOR TIMOTHY!" Mysterion said, just as The Coon rapidly swung at his face while he was distracted, knocking him out. Fastpass and Dovahkiin then teamed up to take out Tupperware. Fastpass hit Tupperware at Mach speed, while Dovahkiin attacked with his knife from the shadows. Tupperware then teleported away, and Human Kite then fired a laser at him, knocking Tupperware out. The Coon then lunged at Toolshed, then Human Kite fired a laser at him, knocking him out. Mysterion then got up.

"RETREAT!" Mysterion said. The Freedom Pals then started to run away.

"New Kid, my offer still stands. If you ever want to be a part of a real superhero franchise, call me." Toolshed said before running away.

"Hah! You guys are DC Comics! We're Marvel!" The Coon said.

"Fuckin' asshole, you got to have Zack Snyder do your movies..". The Coon said.

"Wait, I liked Wonder Woman and Watchmen." Dovahkiin said.

"Well, those were good. The others were shit!" The Coon said. Just then, Dovahkiin got a call from PC Principal.

"Great job taking advantage of those motherfuckers' microagressions! Good PC work kid! Come back to the microbrewery, I think we can discuss your race now!" PC Principal said. Dovahkiin then went over to the Microbrewery, where he saw PC Principal.

"Good job, kid. I'm glad to have you in town! Now we can discuss your race and ethnicity!" PC Principal said.

"Let's determine exactly what you are!" PC Principal said.

"I'm American." Dovahkiin said.

"Great! Now for your ethnicity!" PC Principal said.

"White." Dovahkiin said.

"Now for your skin tone!" PC Principal said.

"It's Caucasian." Dovahkiin said.

"Great kid, now you can go back to making people pay for not agreeing with being PC! I'm glad I know more about you kid!" PC Principal said. Dovahkiin then went to the Coon Lair, where he saw everyone waiting for him.

"Okay guys, ButtLord interrogated Classi, and found out that the cats are being taken to the U-Stor-It here in town. We need to go there tonight!" The Coon said.

"It can't be done." Mosquito said.

"Why not?!" The Coon said.

"Because the whole enterance is lava!" Mosquito said.

"Really?! The whole thing?! How are we gonna get in?!" The Coon said.

"There is one way. Toolshed." Human Kite said.

"That buttfucking traitor?!" The Coon said.

"Yeah, but Toolshed can clear lava, it's one of his powers!" Human Kite said.

"And Toolshed says that he owes the New Kid a favour!" Fastpass said.

"Okay, I'll call him later. Meet me at the U-Stor-It after 1 AM. Later." Dovahkiin said as he left. He went on his phone, and called Toolshed.

"Hello?" Toolshed said.

"Hey, it's me. You know that favour you owe me? Well I know how you can repay me. Meet me in front of my house at 1 AM. I need to access the U-Stor-It." Dovahkiin said.

"Well okay. See you tonight." Toolshed said. Dovahkiin then went home, and ate dinner. He went upstairs, and noticed that his parents were arguing again.

"WHY WOULD YOU TELL THE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL WHAT RACE WE ARE?!" Dovahkiin's father said.

"I DIDN'T! OUR CHILD DID!" Dovahkiin's mother said.

"BUT YOU CONFERMED WHEN THE PRINCIPAL CALLED YOU! HOW MUCH LONGER TILL THEY FIND OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING!" Dovahkiin's father said

"Don't you get it?! Our child is confused and asking questions about his sexuality!" Dovahkiin's mother said.

"CONFUSION WAS THE POINT!!" Dovahkiin's father said.

"Oh hey squirt! Mommy and daddy are going to go to bed now! You should go to bed as well!" Dovahkiin's father said. Dovahkiin then went to his room and set his alarm to 1 AM. He then went to sleep.

 _ **To Be Continued...**_

 _ **Remember to like, share, follow, and review. This is SMG4's SuperFan signing out!**_


	9. Toolshed: No One's Tool

_**Disclaimer (Read by Professor Chaos): The following is a non-profit fan based parody. South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth and South Park: The Fractured But Whole are all owned by Comedy Central, Viacom, South Park Studios, Matt Stone, and Trey Parker. Please support the official release.**_

Dovahkiin's alarm woke him up at around 1 AM. He changed into his costume, grabbed his Sweet Katana and Glock pistol, and went downstairs. He saw that this time, his father had destroyed the couch, broken the lamp, and spilled water, leaving the area around the couch electrified. The door had the locks from last night, as well as two new padlocks and a piece of wood blocking the wrong side of the door. He saw the key from last night on the bookshelf, and another key on the couch. He went into the kitchen to see his dad passed out with a key in his hands. Dovahkiin took the key, went back into the other room, threw a key at the bookshelf to get the second key, and used a Pause TimeFart to grab the third key. He then threw firecrackers at the other locks, and unlocked the padlocks. As he opened the door and went outside, he noticed noises coming from the bushes. All of a sudden, Toolshed appeared.

"Hey New Kid." Toolshed said.

"Hey Toolshed. Let's go." Dovahkiin said.

"Listen, something's happening to this town, and it needs Toolshed. Also, I want you to know that you're always welcome to join the Freedom Pals if you want to." Toolshed said.

"You probably want to know my backstory. You see, when I was a young child, I was working with my father in my garage, when a freak accident happened. I rushed to help my father, but all of a sudden a lightning blast fused my father's tools on to my body. I gained the power to control all tool-based objects, while my father was left mentally impaired." Toolshed said.

"But this is different. My father is acting even more stupider then before." Toolshed said as the two passed Toolshed's house to see Randy keying his car again.

"Yeah! Fuckin' bitch!" Randy said.

"Randy, stop keying my car and come inside!" Sharon said.

"Oh, okay." Randy said as he went inside of Toolshed's house. They passed Human Kite's house, and entered the ruins of SoDoSoPa which Randy helped create in an attempt to applease the Whole Foods gods.

"What about your backstory? Did something happen to your parents as well?" Toolshed said.

"It's rather personal, I rather not talk about it. But Coon made my backstory for me. He said that the reason I fight crime is because my dad fucked my mom." Dovahkiin said.

"Wait, really?! That's so stupid!" Toolshed said.

"I know! I think he doesn't understand what sex is!" Dovahkiin said.

"Anyways, this is the home of Mysterion, he has a passage to the north of town." Toolshed said as he unscrewed a plank of wood so they could enter the household. As they entered the house, they went towards Mysterion's room. They entered his closet, and opened the secret pathway. They exited into the backyard, and noticed a pile of red LEGO bricks blocking their way.

"Now it's time to show you my greatest power, the sandblaster!" Toolshed said as he turned on the nearby air compressor, and inserted the hose of the sandblaster into it. The power was enough to clear the way.

"As long as there's an air compressor nearby, I can clear anything!" Toolshed said. They then went into the Lofts at Kenny's House, and saw a bunch of hobos near the enterance.

"Hey, let us through!" Toolshed said.

"No! This is our spot!" A hobo said.

"Well, we built it, so it's ours!" Toolshed said. Just then, the hobo attacked, and Toolshed dodged.

"You ain't gonna genderfy us outta town! SoDoSoPa's ours!" The hobo said. The other hoboes then started to attack them. Dovahkiin pulled out his knife, and stabbed another hobo, causing bleeding. Toolshed then pulled out two screwdrivers, and flung them in two different directions, hitting two hobos and knocking them back. One fell back into Dovahkiin, and he hit him back.

"That's my Double Screw! It pierces in both directions! Pretty cool, huh?" Toolshed said. Dovahkiin then threw a smoke bomb, and turned invisible. The second hobo then smashed a bottle on Toolshed's head, causing bleeding.

"Holy shit dude! Are you okay?!" Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah. I'm fine!" Toolshed said. He then put his drill into the ground, and several laser drills came out of the ground in a diagonal formation, hitting two of the hoboes.

"That's my Laser Drill, it's pretty cool." Toolshed said. Dovahkiin then threw knives in several directions, hitting all the hoboes, and knocking them all out.

"Fuck yeah!" Dovahkiin said. The two of them then went through the tunnel, and past the abandoned train station. They then reached the U-Stor-It. Just as Mosquito had said, the entrance was blocked off by lava. Just then, The Coon jumped onto the roof of a car.

"They're here! Coon Friends assemble!" The Coon said. Just then, the rest of the Coon Friends arrived.

"Well, well, well. The butt-fucking traitor actually showed up!" The Coon said.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I said I'd help the New Kid, not you assholes!" Toolshed said. Dovahkiin then noticed a hint of sadness in Human Kite's face.

"Just go with it. We need their help if we want to find out what's going on here." Dovahkiin said. Toolshed then attached his sandblaster to the nearby air compressor, and cleared the lava. They then entered and split up looking for Scrambles. While looking around, Dovahkiin found something on the ground.

"HEY! I FOUND SOMETHING!" Dovahkiin said.

"What is it?" Human Kite said.

"It looks like a domino mask made of tinfoil." Dovahkiin said. Just then, the lights flickered on.

"Hello Coon Friends!" A voice said on the TV.

"Butters, it's Coon and Friends!" The Coon said.

"Come into my parlour! I've bought more tinfoil and minions then you can imagine! Someone gave me $20,000 to keep nosy people away from here, but I only need a few hundred, so you know what I'm going to do with the rest?" Professor Chaos said.

"Go to Paris and get a penile enhancement and fuck French chicks?" Super Craig said.

"Super Craig!" The Coon said.

"Wrong! I'm going to destroy this town and prove that I'm the bad guy! Not this new kingpin jerkhead! SO GOODBYE COON FRIENDS!" Professor Chaos said. Just then, a storage door opened, and a bunch of gerbil balls rolled around the heroes. They all avoided them with ease.

"Aw, minions, you're supposed to attack them!" Professor Chaos said. The heroes then continued on and split up into groups. Dovahkiin and Toolshed them came across a heater blocking their path.

"Ah shit, what do we do now?!" Toolshed said. Dovahkiin then texted Captain Diabetes on his phone, and he arrived. They did a Diabetic Rage, and Captain Diabetes then lifted the heater over, which still blocked their path.

"Hey man, you just tipped it over!" Toolshed said.

"Fear not, Toolshed! Butthole will use his amazing time powers!" Captain Diabetes said as Dovahkiin used a Glitch TimeFart to rewind time, clearing the path.

"Don't forget that I have cool powers too!" Toolshed said as they continued on. They met up with Human Kite and The Coon, where they saw another tinfoil domino mask. Just then more lights went on.

"I see you! Did you not think I had a back-up plan? Did you not know how many minions $20,000 can buy?" Professor Chaos said.

"Butters, will you just go home! We're just trying to find a missing cat!" Human Kite said.

"I don't think so Coon Friends!" Professor Chaos said.

"Uh, actually Butters, if someone gave you a lot of money, by law that belongs to our franchise! All of us! Except Toolshed." The Coon said.

"Oh no, you see, more cash means, MORE MINONS! GET THEM!" Professor Chaos said as a dozen Chaos Kids came out. Dovahkiin flung a few knives and hit three of the Chaos kids, causing bleeding. Human kite fired a laser at a Chaos Kid. Toolshed used his Double Screw to knock back a few of the Chaos Kids, incapacitating them. The Coon lunged at a Chaos Kids, and swiped away with fury, causing him to collapse. A Chaos Kid then flung a few ninja stars at Human Kite, which he managed to dodge at the last second.

"Holy shit! I think one of those was the star that hit Butters in the eye!" Human Kite said.

"What?!" Dovahkiin said as he slashed at a Chaos Kid with his knife, incapacitating him.

"It's a long story! I'll tell you later!" Human Kite said as he fired a laser beam at a Chaos Kid, knocking him out. After awhile, all the Chaos Kids were incapacitated.

"MWAH HA HA HA! While searching for more minions, I found an even greater source of them! Go get them!" Professor Chaos said. Just then, a storage truck's back door opened, and out came Mexican Chaos Minions. Human Kite fired a laser beam at them. Toolshed flung Double Screws at them with one hand as he used a Laser Drill with the other. The Coon lunged at one of the minions , slashing away furiously. Dovahkiin pulled out two knives and started slashing away at the minions. After a quick while, the Mexican Minions were taken down.

"Good job guys!" Dovahkiin said as he and Toolshed went into an open storage locker. They saw various guns, a truck, as well as a turret.

"Holy shit! Is that a thermonuclear missile?!" Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah. It's my Uncle Jimbo's." Toolshed said as Dovahkiin used a Pause TimeFart to get to the off switch. As they walked past the deactivated turret, Dovahkiin moved some explosives to a cracked part of the wall, and lit it with a firecracker. It exploded, and opened a hole in the wall.

"Hey, the camera's busted. You mind if I pocket some of these guns?" Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah sure, go ahead." Toolshed said as Dovahkiin jumped onto a counter, and pocketed a Glock, a SPAS 12, a sniper rifle, an AK-47, and a Colt revolver. They then exited, and came across some lava.

"Hey, there's lava over there. But there's no air compressor nearby!" Toolshed said. Just then, Coon shoved a box down from the roof. Sounds of fragile objects being broken filled the air.

"A box. We can use this to complete that path of boxes over there and continue on!" Dovahkiin said as he pushed the box and walked past the lava.

"Dude, it's just a box. This isn't fucking Legend of Zelda dude." Coon said.

"What, you don't like Zelda?" Dovahkiin shouthed.

"No! It sucks fucking ass!" Coon said.

"I think Zelda is pretty good." Toolshe said as he and Dovahkiin continued on.

"Really?! You have a Switch or Wii U?" Dovahkiin said.

"Switch. Plus, you really have a Wii U? No one I know had one!" Toolshed said.

"The only reason I got one was because of Bayonetta 2. Great game. Same reason I got a PS Vita. Persona 4 Golden." Dovahkiin said.

"Cool!" Toolshed said. Just then, the two noticed a storage door. The rest of the Coon Friends then regrouped at the door.

"It's unlocked. I can hear voices from the other side. Think it could be Chaos?" Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah, it could be. We better be careful, it might be a trap." Human Kite said as they opened the door and saw a large storage unit that looked like a laboratory.

"Butters! Get the fuck out here and give us our $20,000!" Coon said. Just then, the Coon Friends heard a voice from behind them.

"I'm sorry, Professor Chaos isn't available at the moment, but prepare to feel the wrath of GENERAL DISARRAY!" A ginger kid with tinfoil said as he jumped down and pushed a button on the remote he was holding. A crane came out and dumped lava all over the entrance.

"IT'S A TRAP!" Coon shouted. Chaos Kids and Chaos Mexicans came flooding out from the upper level of the storage unit. Dovahkiin got out his knives and prepared for the fight. Human Kite fired multiple lasers at the Chaos Kids, while Toolshed lined up a shot with his Laser Drill. Coon slashed away at one of the Chaos Mexicans, causing multiple cuts. Fastpass punched a Chaos Kid at Mach speed, sending him flying into Super Craig, who punched him. Dovahkiin fired a few quick PSI blasts at a Chaos Kid, stunning them as he rushed in, slashing at them with his knives. General Disarray then pressed a button on his remote, and caused lava to fall where Human Kite was.

"KITE!" Toolshed said as he lunged for Human Kite, causing him to avoid the lava.

"Stan..." Human Kite said as he got back up, and fired a laser beam at a Chaos Kid.

"We're not going to get anywhere without taking out Disarray!" Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then ran at Disarray, but not before being intercepted by a two headed beast.

"AH HA HA! Your doom will come at the hands of the Mecha Minion!' Disarray said as he started to move the crane to where Dovahkiin was. Dovahkiin noticed what was happening, so he quickly took his Glock out of his holster and fired it at the legs. The Mecha Minion's grip loosened, and Dovahkiin managed to escape. The crane dropped lava on the Mecha Minion, getting rid of that problem in the process. Dovhakiin then continued to rush at Disarray, as the rest of the Coon Friends continued to fight the Minions. Dovahkiin first slashed rapidly at Disarray, following a beatdown with his hands and feet. It worked.

"The General's down! Retreat!" A Chaos Kid said as the Minions proceeded to evacuate the area. However, at the moment, Dovahkiin had accidentally broken Disarray's remote, causing the crane to spin out of control. Lava spilled everywhere, and the Coon Friends all ran towards the back of the room. However, Super Craig tripped, and the way forward was quickly filled by lava.

"SUPER CRAIG!" Coon shouted.

"It's okay. Just leave me." Super Craig said.

"Someone get an air compressor!" Coon said, as the rest of the group panicked.

"Toolshed, if I die... If I die... If I die, tell Tweek I'm sorry for being a bad boyfriend." Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then had an idea.

"Toolshed, stick your sandblaster's hose up my ass!" Dovahkiin said.

"What?! Why?!" Toolshed said.

"JUST FUCKING DO IT!" Dovahkiin shouted. Toolshed then shoved the hose up Dovahkiin's ass, quickly hitting Dovahkiin's prostate. Dovahkiin moaned in pleasure. Dovahkiin then used the power of his ass to clear the lava, saving Super Craig.

"I'm alive!" Super Craig said.

"Do you still want me to tell Tweek?" Toolshed said.

"No." Super Craig said. Just then, Coon went up to Super Craig and tried to put a needle in him.

"WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME COON!" Super Craig said.

"Anyways, let's see if we can get information out of Disarray. Me and Dragonborn will go up to the water tower and Fartkour our way back down!" Human Kite said. Just then, the TV came on.

"Hello? General Disarray? Are the Coon Friends taken care of?" Chaos said as Dovahkiin and Human Kite went up the ladder. Once they got up there, Dovahkiin noticed a Chaos Kid with a bucket of lava. He quickly threw a firecracker at the water tower, causing the Chaos Kid to fall down.

"Good thinking!" Human Kite said.

"Thanks." Dovahkiin said.

"Hey, you getting used to South Park yet?" Human Kite said as they climbed the water tower.

"I guess so, yeah. It's pretty crazy. I mean, I got abducted by aliens my first day." Dovahkiin said.

"Cool. You have anyone you're interested in yet?" Human Kite said.

"Uh, yeah." Dovahkiin said.

"Who? Bebe? Wendy? Red?" Human Kite said.

"Kenny..." Dovahkiin mumbled.

"Kenny?! Oh, I get it! You swing that way!" Human Kite said.

"Um, anyways, we're at the top!" Dovahkiin said. He and Human Kite then Fartkoured back to the entrance of the storage unit. He then called Toolshed to clear away the lava. It worked.

"Wow, your ass is amazing New Kid!" Toolshed said. Dovahkiin then advanced onwards. He then saw a truck covered in tinfoil and Super Craig.

"Why would Chaos want to cover a truck in tinfoil?" Super Craig said.

"That's not the point!" A voice called out. Dovahkiin and Super Craig turned around.

"Call Girl." Dovahkiin said as the rest of the Coon Friends showed up.

"Who the fuck is she?!" Coon said.

"You were right about the Italian restaurant New Kid. The owner is part of a new crime syndicate!" Call Girl said.

"Seriously! Who the fuck are you?! Are you a part of Freedom Pals?!" Coon said.

"She's not in our group. I've never even seen her before, and... Wait, WENDY?!" Toolshed said.

'Well she's not in the union! HEY! ARE YOU ON COONSTAGRAM?!" Coon said.

"There is someone new in town, trying to unite the crime families." Call Girl said, ignoring Coon.

"Y-y-you mean l-like a kingpin?!" Fastpass said.

"You guys, don't listen to her! We're not playing with her!" Coon said.

"Anyways New Kid, take this." Call Girl said as she threw a phone down at Dovhakiin, who caught it.

"Thanks." Dovahkiin said.

"If you need help, just know you can call on Call Girl." Call Girl said as she ran back into the shadows. The phone Dovahkiin was given then buzzed. He noticed a message on the screen.

"CHECK UNIT 241" The message said. Dovahkiin looked around and noticed that unit 241 was just up ahead. He gestured for everyone to follow him.

"This is the unit we should check." Dovahkiin said.

"We should prepare first, we don't want to be caught again." Human Kite said. After getting into fighting positions, Dovahkiin then opened the door to see what appeared to be a meth lab with various addicts sniffing cat ass.

"Son of a bitch! They're cheesing!" Coon said. The addicts then noticed the group.

"Hey! It's that vigilante who was on the news!" An addict said.

"That's right! The Coon!" Coon said.

"And some chubby fat kid as well!" The addict said.

"GODDAMNIT! I'M BIG BONED, NOT FAT!" Coon shouted. He then pulled out the missing cat poster.

"This cat. Where is it?!" Coon said.

"Oh, that's some high-quality shit there. That would go straight to the boss himself." The addict said.

"YOU IDIOT! NOW WE GOTTA KILL THEM ALL!" Another addict said. A group of addicts then began to attack the Coon Friends.

"Oh shit!" Dovahkiin said as he fired multiple fire blasts at an addict. Human Kite fired a laser blast at an addict, but missed and hit a barrel. The barrel then exploded and harmed a few of the addicts. Another addict then took a bottle and flung it at Coon.

"AW SHIT! I THINK I'M BLEEDING!" Coon said as he began to slash at an addict's face. Super Craig punched an addict into a barrel, and it exploded, incapacitating the addict. Just then, A figure dropped down.

"Figured you could use my help!" Call Girl said as she swung a selfie stick at an addict. Dovahkiin then slashed at yet another addict, and the battle went on for a long while, until the addicts finally gave up.

"Okay, okay! We'll tell you what you want to know!" An addict said.

"Look, it ain't us, okay! The boss has all the gangs in South Park united! The Yakuza, the Russians, the Italians, even the Sixth Graders!" The addict said.

"Wow that sounds spooky!" Fastpass said.

"Look, you don't understand! We're already dead! We're already dead!" The addict said as he ran around the storage locker knocking things over.

"OH SHIT! THIS PLACE IS ABOUT TO BLOW!" Dovahkiin said as Coon and Friends, Toolshed, and Call Girl got out of the storage unit. Just then, the unit exploded, killing all who were in it.

"Holy fuck..." Dovahkiin said. They then saw another storage unit, locked behind a keypad.

"New Kid, that's where Professor Chaos is hiding! We need to get in there! The code is 0123456789!" Call Girl said.

"Thanks." Dovahkiin said as he went up to the keypad, and the shutter door opened, revealing some Chaos Minions and two baseball pitcher machines.

"Oh fuck." Human Kite said.

"HA! You're screwed, you super zeros!" A Chaos Kid said as the machine was ready to attack. Just then, Dovahkiin used a Pause TimeFart to stop time, turn the machines around, set it on super fast mode, and get a few good hits on the Chaos Minions. Time then restarted.

"What the fuck?!" Another Chaos Kid said as the minions were pelted by baseballs at a rapid speed. Within seconds, all the minions were knocked out, and the heroes went on. They noticed a ladder, and climbed up it, where they saw a horrible sight.

"Holy fuck!" Toolshed said.

"They're shovelling lava into trucks!" Super Craig said.

"Exactly Coon Friends!" A nearby intercom shouted.

"BUTTERS! FOR THE LAST TIME, IT'S COON AND FRIENDS!" Coon said.

"Now everywhere will be covered in lava! People won't be able to go anywhere! No one can go to school, no one can go to the park, no one can go to the Dairy Queen!" Professor Chaos shouted.

"Holy fuck! NOT THE DAIRY QUEEN!" Coon said.

"Really?! That's what you care about the most?!" Dovahkiin said.

"NOW BUTTERS! THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE! EITHER GIVE US THE MONEY, OR GET YOUR FACE SCRATCHED IN!" Coon said.

"Oh, I'm right here, Coon Friends!" Professor Chaos said as the heroes saw a shadow. They turned around to see a ginormous mecha made of tinfoil and Chaos Minions with Professor Chaos in the cockpit.

"Prepared to die, Coon Friends?" Professor Chaos.

"No fucking way! FOR THE DAIRY QUEEN!" Coon said as he charged at the mecha, ready to slash it with his claws. Only for the mecha to pick him up, and throw him at a wall, knocking him out.

"COON'S DOWN!" Human Kite said, as he began to charge up a laser. However, the mecha ran at him, and punched him, making him fly back.

"He's too fast! We need to take out it's legs!" Dovahkiin said as he flung a knife at one of the legs. Call Girl then used her expert hacking abilities to destroy the Chaos Minion's phones, and Super Craig rammed into the legs as the mecha's legs were distracted.

"You think you can stop me that easily, Coon Friends?! ONWARDS MINIONS!" Professor Chaos said as he charged at Human Kite, only to be stopped by laser drills. With Chaos distracted, FastPass made sure to run at mach speed, and he promptly destroyed the legs.

"That won't stop me!" Professor Chaos said as some of his minion's legs popped out, Dovahkiin then slashed at the legs with his knives, and Human Kite made sure to fire a laser at the mecha. Super Craig punched the mecha, and Toolshed fired his Double Screw at Chaos. Chaos attempted to attack Toolshed, but a gunshot was heard, and it pierced through the mecha's body. Dovahkiin looked over to where the shot came from, and saw the muzzle of a sniper rifle. The shooter was obscured by shadows, and he quickly left, but as the mystery person vanished, Dovahkiin saw that he had green on his outfit. Chaos was also distracted by the shooter, and using this to their advantage, the heroes used their ultimates. Dovahkiin snuck into the shadows, and struck when the time was right. Human Kite fired a laser beam up into sky, and it fell back down, hitting Chaos. Super Craig had Stripe attack the mecha. Fastpass attacked at sonic speed. Finally, Toolshed tapped into the power of anime, and used a giant drill to destroy the mecha. The battle was over, Professor Chaos was stopped.

"Ugh... What happened?" Coon said as he regained consciousness.

"We beat Professor Chaos!" Human Kite said. Coon then ran over to Professor Choas.

"Where's Scrambles?!" Coon shouted.

"Ugh..." Professor Chaos mumbled.

"He's too tired. We should take him back to base." Super Craig said.

"You're right. Let's go." Coon said as the Coon Friends left. Call Girl also left with them. The only ones left on the roof were Toolshed, Dovahkiin, and Human Kite.

"Hey Toolshed, thanks for coming with us." Human Kite said.

"No problem." Toolshed said.

"You know, this feels just like the old days." Human Kite said.

"Well we can't go back to those days, we're enemies, remember?" Toolshed said.

"Toolshed, no, Stan, you can come back." Human Kite said.

"Kyle, I told you, I don't want to. I don't even get a movie!" Stan said.

"Look maybe I can convince Coon to give you a movie! Maybe one around my movie!" Kyle said.

"Listen Kyle, you don't understand! Cartman hates you! Who's to say you won't just get killed off in the first Coon and Friends movie?" Stan said.

"I never thought of it like that..." Kyle said.

"I can't be a part of Coon and Friends. And you know that." Stan said.

"Please Stan, I miss you! This is getting stupid! I miss my best friend!" Kyle said.

"I do too. But I must go now." Toolshed said as he left. Human Kite looked down.

"Hey, we should go now, the others must be interrogating Chaos right now." Dovahkiin said.

"Yeah, let's go." Human Kite said as the two began to head back to the Coon Lair. As they got down there, they noticed Professor Chaos in a dog cage.

"Now, who are you working for Butters?" Coon said.

"Look, I don't know who this guy is! I've never even seen his face! But everyone who knows him says he's nameless, faceless, he can change his appearance at will!" Professor Chaos said.

"Wait, did you say that he can change his appearance at will?" Coon said.

"Yeah, why?" Professor Chaos said.

"I think I know who's uniting all the crime families in South Park!" Coon said as he went to the Coon Computer, and turned it on.

"Who?" Dovahkiin said.

"Well, it seems impossible, but all the signs line up. There's only one person who could have done this." Coon said as pictures showed up on the Coon Computer.

"Mitch Conner." Coon said.

"GOD DAMN IT CARTMAN!" Human Kite said.

"Who's Mitch Conner?" Dovahkiin said.

"Cartman's stupid hand puppet!" Human Kite said.

"Now, Mitch Conner first made himself known when he impersonated Jennifer Lopez through my hand. However, in order to avoid the cops, he faked his death. He then came back during the 200 Celebrities lawsuit fiasco to reveal that my father was actually Jack Tennorman, and not my mother as I once thought. However, there's no way it could be Mitch." Coon said.

"HOW?! HE'S YOUR FUCKING HAND!" Human Kite said.

"You see, Mitch died in an Alaskan oil rig accident months ago." Coon said.

"Well, I can see this is complete and total bullshit, I'm going to bed now. See you all tomorrow." Dovahkiin said as he left the Coon Lair, and headed back home. He snuck back into his house, and went to sleep, as he only had a few more hours till school. However, as he slept, his phone buzzed, and a message showed up on the lock screen.

"So, you think I'm non-exsistant, huh? Well, you messed with the wrong hand New Kid. You'll know to never fuck with Mitch Conner." The text said.

 ** _And I'm back, after over half a year of inactivity! I'm attempting to deviate a bit from the game, mainly having Dovahkiin avoid some fights, as most of them are repetitive. Now, remember to like, share, follow, and review. This is SMG4's SuperFan, signing out!_**


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